Why eHarmony is more like disharmony for me
Photo by Flickr user Tony Western
Now for those of you who are at this moment cuddled up next to your perfect eHarmony-sent mate, do not get your hackles up. My intention is not to criticize eHarmony. Filling out their (endless) personality survey got me to thinking a lot about boiling people down to words only. Sure, you get a picture, worth a thousand words, yada yada, but everyone knows that picture you posted of yourself at your sister’s wedding was the last time your hair ever looked that good.
Speaking of the pictures, a fun little fact I learned perusing profiles pictures is that every single man in the Detroit area has rappelled up a mountain, sailed the open sea, run a marathon, rescued a Greyhound, or gone white water rafting. This goes a long way to explaining how I never managed to meet these men - not enough time spent dangling from a cliff.
I have to hand it to eHarmony, their questions are detailed, and do seem to go for the jugular when it comes to uncovering your values and beliefs. I have a friend who is a numbers wonk, and he swears by their mathematical algorithms. For me, the depth of the questions and the brilliance of the formulas is exactly what is wrong here. For although I believe passionately in the power of language and have been known to induce a coma when prattling on about my latest favorite read, I also believe fervently in what isn’t said. In the way someone can exude such warmth and solidity that you want to crawl into their lap even though you barely know them. How you can fall in love in an instant when you hear someone laugh. I have fallen in love with every baseball coach my son has ever had because of each one's tolerance of and appreciation for the antics of young boys.
Do not misunderstand me - I recognize the importance of shared values and beliefs in a relationship. I have made enough of a wreckage of my own to know that I have not placed enough importance on these things. But I also know that no great love song was ever written that said, “I’ve got a fire in my belly for your val-ues ba-by!” Shakespeare did not write sonnets that said, “Your must-haves and mine /mesh like two souls in flight.” So for me, I will have to go about this the old-fashioned way, by meeting first and getting to know you later. The other way around is certainly safer, but not nearly as interesting.
Leah Rex has worked in some aspect of the book business for more than half her life. When given the choice between food or books, she will always choose books.
Comments
bunnyabbot
Wed, Feb 3, 2010 : 12:42 a.m.
well let me just say I am on eharmony now, and I won't be signing up again when my month is up...half of my matches look like my father and all of them don't look like men I would want to get it on with. addionally men (and I imagine women) go on and on about all thier adventures, white water rafting, climbing everest, biking across the country...really? when they heck to people find any time to do these things? I'm always working and then working after work. is there a dating site for workaholics? how about for people that are really tired from working and want to meet someone who wants to wear slippers 70% of the time at home after work with say, a movie out once or twice a month, eating out occasionally, someone to plan a rare road trip or vacation with, start a family with, likes dogs, wants regular sex and dependable companionship and love with? someone that doesn't need to, swim the english channel, deep sea dive, bungee jump.... i'm exhausted, back to work
Jim Mumma
Sun, Jan 31, 2010 : 4:54 a.m.
I agree with the dis-harmony of E-Harmony. I signed up, paid my monthly fee, filled out their lenghty questionair, and never found a suitable match in my age range. I am 59, and their only matches were woman in their early 30's, or 65 years or older. We all sign up to find that special other person. What a waste of my money! Jim
Macabre Sunset
Sat, Jan 30, 2010 : 2:17 p.m.
It's certainly a minefield out there. I think you get out of the experience what you put in. As long as you don't compromise your own values and you understand that it takes time to find a long-term relationship, you can sort out the ones who climb rocks incessantly and focus on the people with character instead. In the meantime, it is great entertainment. I could never forget the beauty who I spent five hours on the phone with one night, only to have it end with her yelling at me, truly furious, because I told her I supported gay rights. (hey, I'm divorced, why not give everyone the opportunity to screw up the institution of marriage?) Or the one who seemed to have a career going to self-help seminars and angrily told me (in six pages, no less) how to be me when I thanked her for her time and decided to move on without meeting.
Dave66
Sat, Jan 30, 2010 : 10:48 a.m.
MichGirl writes, "I've noticed that many of the single, searching men seem to show up on all the sites." Miss Kettle, meet Mr. Pot. The only way to notice that someone is on multiple sites is for YOU to be on multiple sites, too. I think Jake C had a good point. Dating sites are for making an introduction, nothing more. Make your decision from there. The benefit of a dating site over meeting at a party or coffee shop is that people on dating sites are there to meet someone, too. The coffee shop girl might not be interested in meeting someone new for a variety of reasons. At least on the dating sites, you know they're actively looking. bunnyabbot, there's probably a good chance we've met. LOL. If you've met as many people as I have, and we're both in A2, what are the odds? I actually kept notes on all my meetings. I have my share of horror stories. The 30 year old virgin, the girl who's weight was DOUBLE what she posted, the homeless girl, the prostitute, the list goes on and on. The problem I have found with dating sites is that it promotes a "shopping list" mentality. MichGirl complains about people who ignore her "parameters." That's exactly what I'm talking about. One of my friends is 5'11" tall, a great guy, didn't have much luck on dating sites. I advised him to change his height to 6' and suddenly he got a LOT more interest. He's now engaged. So what happened? Women search for guys 6' tall and over, and he was rejected out of hand. The shopping list mentality loses site of the fact that the "ideal" person for you might not match all your parameters. What does being 6' tall tell you about a guy? Does it tell you if he'll hit you? Does it tell you if he treats his mother well? Does it tell you if he'll cheat on you? Are those things more or less important than how tall he is?
MichGirl
Sat, Jan 30, 2010 : 8:36 a.m.
First of all, great piece of writing, Leah Rex. Witty and provocative. Next, Some really good insight from several commenters. I have tried a few of the different online dating sites over the years, including eHarmony (a couple times). It is best to look at it as entertainment (although it's closer to wasting my time.) No doubt a few stray, rare instances do occur where people meet and marry. I've noticed that many of the single, searching men seem to show up on all the sites. My sense is that many of the "looking" don't seem to have good social skills so the online thing probably covers that up a bit. With eHarmony, I recall that they didn't seem to pay attention to my parameters and Mr. Perfect always seemed to live across the country, even though I'd select "within x miles". My guess was that their pool of candidates wasn't voluminous in my area. However, I also noticed that within days of canceling, a Mr. Perfect who probably lived right next door, was delivered as my next match, if only I would resubscribe. Can you spell M-a-r-k-e-t-i-n-g? Hey we all need jobs!
David Briegel
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 9:29 p.m.
Dave66, good one. I have met way too many who are looking for pen pals or dates! Unfortunately, (or fortunately) I am looking for much more!! I have lots of pen pals and dates!
bunnyabbot
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 9:29 p.m.
dave66, I have had about the same amount of "meets" (not dates), I am a serial meeter, I have tons of stories. The born again who wanted to save me, the 32 year old virgin, the gay guy who didn't know he was gay, the guy with turrets, the guy that had rat teeth, the guy with very short teeth, the scary guys, the wierdos, the "thank God you're not fat" guys, the "I ususally date petite girls", the guy who doesn't drink and then gets trashed, the "when do we have sex" guys, the "you look like a stripper" guy, the "marrieds", the ones that have picked thier childrens names, the list goes on! I actually told a friend she should try eharmony and she met her husband, this was long before I tried it. I am currently on it and I am not interested in any of my matches!
Dave66
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 8:21 p.m.
I have met over 150 women from on-line dating sites. I say "met" and not "dated" because there is a big difference. After a few (dozen) tries, I discovered that the true purpose of on-line dating is NOT to meet The One, it is for entertainment. Kind of like going to a psychic: Sure, you might get something right by accident, but you shouldn't rely on it. So that's how I approached it. For entertainment purposes only. If you click, if something develops, great! But if not, what have you lost? An evening? Maybe an interesting conversation, maybe not. Some of my best meetings were the ones which went horribly awry, because those stories were the most interesting. :)
Jake C
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 5:19 p.m.
I don't understand the eHarmony hate. All sites like these do is give you some potential people that are open to dating someone new, which might possibly be you. It doesn't eliminate the potential awkwardness of a first date. It doesn't mean you already "know everything" about that person before you meet them in person. It doesn't tell you whether they have a good laugh, a casual likability, or whether they're good in bed. It just gives you some people that you probably would like to date anyway if you met them in a bar or coffee shop. Only 1) You don't have to break the ice by trying to figure out whether they're single or already taken, and 2) You don't have to go out on 3-4 dates before you find out they have a house filled with 18 cats, or will only let you get to 1st base if you convert to B'Nai B'rith.
Brian
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 4:27 p.m.
I agree scanning through a bunch of stats on a computer is not appealing. I'm a single male in his late 30's that has a great career and keeps in shape but, I don't get a chance to get out too much as I have a home office that I work from. I don't care for the online thing. I prefer meeting someone in person like we use to do. Where can a single person meet another single person in there late 30's in the Ann Arbor area?
Patti Smith
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 4:19 p.m.
My husband & I met on an online dating site (that later turned into a straight porn site, then a gay porn site and then disappeared) back in '99. It was great because it just matched you on the basics--non-smoking, religion, light drinker, occupation, education, etc. Then you got to pick if you wanted to read the little ad that went with it. It didn't overthink the matter and left a lot up to the user and his/her judgment. Worked for us, anyway :)
Jwonrat
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 2:32 p.m.
Even though it's been a few years since I dipped my toe into the singles scene, I distinctly remember that the phrase, "Looks not important," freely translated, meant: "You'd better have movie star looks and a killer body." Meanwhile, he sported a comb-over, a beer gut, and gold chains. Hope to hear more from you, Leah.
Erin Mann
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 2:06 p.m.
Leah, this is great! There's nothing romantic about a screen full of stats. Maybe I've watched too many movies, but I'll take awkward happenstance meetings at [insert random location here] over online dating any day.
Jordan Miller
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 1:16 p.m.
This is really funny and well written. I signed up for e-Harmony when I was a reporter for the News and doing a story on speed dating. It STILL e-mails me "matches" (I put that in quotation marks, because I could probably make a better love connection by opening up a phone book and picking a name).
CountyKate
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 12:17 p.m.
I also agree! eHarmony will never be able to answer the questions: Does he have kind eyes? Does his sense of humor match mine? What are his friends like and will I get along with them? Does his smile make my knees weak? Some things just can't be put on a form.
David Briegel
Fri, Jan 29, 2010 : 10:37 a.m.
I couldn't agree more. As a single guy this eharmony stuff is too "sterile" or phony? Nothing like the pain of rejection or the awkward clumsiness of getting to know someone new. And then that flash of wonderment as you think, what if.... I have met some interesting people but I find myself curiously looking to see which of my friends and acquaintances are "out there" too.