Dear Kerry,
I really like to take my kids over to my parents’ house for visits. We’re lucky to have them live only a few hours away and my 5- and 3-year-olds love to play with their grandparents. The trouble is that they always get bratty at the end of the time and fuss and fight when we get home. It kind of spoils the feeling of the nice visit. Is it too much sugar? Too much spoiling? Any suggestions?
-JC, California

Dear JC,
How lovely that you enjoy times with several generations together! There is so much learning and pleasure to be shared between grandchildren and older people. And it can give you a different perspective on both your parents and your kids when you see them interacting.

You raise the question of whether something that goes on during the visit can ruin the end of it. Sure, too much sugar might contribute to later crankiness, as there is a big drop in blood sugar after big sweet snacks, but you can legislate for that by making sure that there is some nutritious food to go with the treats. That goes along with generally sticking to most of your home guidelines wherever you are. Familiar rules and routines help kids feel grounded. It also helps grandparents to have guidance from you about what you are comfortable with your kids eating and drinking.

Similarly, your parents may love giving the kids presents or offering special activities and games. Up to a point, that is a bonus in everyone’s life, an opportunity to enjoy something new and expand experience. But your kids won’t really be comfortable if you aren’t, so the plans have to fit within your comfort zone for values, content and safety.

The most likely explanation for crabbiness at the end of the visit is the strong feelings that go with leaving fun activities, missing beloved people and saying goodbye. That’s true for grownups as well as kids. Goodbyes are intense for everyone and transitions are children’s hardest times.

Sadness is painful. No one thinks they want to feel sad. People do all kinds of things to avoid sadness. They even substitute other feelings to try not to experience the pain of leaving. Kids often pick a fight with each other, inviting grownups to intervene, or get contrary to get in trouble. Then they can be mad instead of sad, which feels more powerful.

Kids need your help to stay with their real feelings and not substitute other feelings that don’t actually match the situation. The best way to help them is to talk about how sad it is to say goodbye when we’re having so much fun and we love grandma and grandpa so much. When children have permission for their missing feelings and see that they are connected with the good feelings of loving someone, they can express them directly. That may mean that they beg to stay longer, or even get mad about leaving. But they won’t bury their feelings and change them into something they’re not, get themselves into trouble and leave everyone dissatisfied.

Another tip is to try to have a plan for the next time everyone will meet. Young children don’t understand time very well. Indefinite time words, like “soon,” or “in a while,” don’t mean anything to them. “After two Saturdays and Sundays” or “in two months when it’s school time again” or “when it’s your birthday” make it more concrete. When you can imagine seeing each other again, it’s not so painful to say goodbye.

It’s also helpful to acknowledge the two-way feelings that go with most transitions. Children need practice to tolerate having two nice things going on without feeling that they have to like only one. In an effort to help, or with the idea that they are sparing children pain, grownups sometimes try to make one alternative bad and talk up the other. For instance, adults may put down the old school to generate enthusiasm for the new school. But children can better master change and keep good experiences with them in memory when we help them hold both past and future in their thoughts and feelings. We can say “it’s so much fun to sleep in the bunk beds at Grandma’s and it’s so nice to be home in your own bed. You have two cozy places to sleep!”

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can email her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.