Say there, neighbor, no offense, but you’re looking a little green around the gills. Step right up and let me tell you all about some wonderful new medicines I have today.

Made by doctors under the most stringent sanitary conditions, bottled and rushed to you while still fresh. You might say, “No, brother, I feel fine.”

But think about it. It’s that time of year when the ague season is just fading away but all of those terrible winter ills are right around the corner. And you look like you could use a little revivifyin’. Have you considered bracing yourself up with a shot of Dr. Thomas’s Eclectric Oil?

Let me let you in on it. There are but few preparations of medicines which have withstood the impartial judgment of the people for any great length of time. One of these is Dr. Thomas’ Eclectric Oil. Allow me to read you one of countless testimonials about this miraculous Oil:

“I have been afflicted with rheumatism for the last ten years, and have tried many remedies without any relief, until I tried Dr. Thomas’ Eclectric Oil, and since then have had no attack of it. I would recommend it to all.” I have some other testimonials here on how the Oil treats everything from a swelled ankle to a sore throat, but I’m not going to bore you. Simply try it and see for yourself. You can get a bottle over at Frank Smith’s place, I hear.

Maybe that sallow look you have is due to impure or sluggish blood. You might want to try Dr. S. D. Howe’s Arabian Tonic and Blood Purifier. All the leading physicians endorse it. It’s guaranteed to cure the worst cases of Dyspepsia, Indigestion, Kidney or Liver diseases, or that old standby, Nervous Debility. It’s sold by Frank Smith right here in Ypsi.

You know, as long as you’re sprucing yourself up, you might want to do something about that hair of yours as well. Gray hairs may not mar one’s good looks, and in many cases even improve the appearance. But apparently that’s not true in all cases, if you don’t mind my saying so. But no worries, friend—you can fix yourself right up with a good dose of Ring’s Vegetable Ambrosia. It’s easily applied! Not like those other hair tonics that are well nigh impossible to apply. It restores gray or faded hair and prevents and in many cases cures baldness. It also cleanses your scalp and leaves your hair, what little you have left, there, perfectly ready for arranging. Do it for the missus. I think old Frank Smith has a bottle or two in his shop.

I have to add, here, that one of my most popular products is Dr. Morris’s Syrup of Tar. Now, that may not sound all that appetizing, but give it a chance, brother. Do you have children? We cannot urge too strongly upon parents the necessity of having on hand a reliable preparation in cases of the dreaded Croup, nor do we know of any more worthy of confidence than Dr. Morris’ Syrup of Tar. Sold by Frank Smith.

Then all you need to do to finish the job and get all physicked up for winter is take a slug of Wilhoft’s Tonic. It is not a panacaea—not a cure for everything, but it is a catholicon for mal—what? Catholicon. Meaning a medicine with many uses, neighbor. Anyways, it’s a catholicon for malarial diseases, and day by day it adds laurels to its crown of glorious success. Engorged livers and spleens, along the shady banks of our lakes and rivers, are restored to their healthy and normal secretions. Health and vigor follow its use, and Chills have taken their departure from every household where Wilhoft’s Anti-Periodic is kept and taken. Hand-made in New Orleans. You can probably find it down at Frank Smith’s.

Ah, thank you, neighbor, good choices! Shoot, I don’t think I have any change, nope, none there, hmm, not that pocket eith—why, thank you! Very generous of you! Say, I think the train’s about to leave the depot over there—gotta run! ‘Scuse me! Best of luck!

Note: Dr. Thomas’ Eclectric Oil, Dr. S.D. Howe’s Arabian Tonic, Ring’s Vegetable Ambrosia, Dr. Morris’s Syrup of Tar, and Wilhoft’s Anti-Periodic were all advertised in one issue of the Ypsilanti Commercial—October 27, 1877—a good 30 years before the Pure Food and Drug Act. It’s frightening to think of a time when your only medical options were violent ‘heroic’ medicine with its bleeding and purges, or the shady concoctions of enterprising shysters. At least some of the concoctions had a good stiff dose of booze (and some, acknowledging this fact, were even sold by the glass in bars). So raise your glass of Syrup of Tar for a toast to modern medicine!

"Historical Tidbits" is published every Friday at AnnArbor.com.