All right guys, today is Mother's Day. Yellow alert! Go to DefCon 1!

For those of you who are not familiar with A.D.S.D. (Association of Dads, Sons and Daughters) nomenclature, DefCon refers to situations in which failing to live up to Mom's expectations will result in Definite Consequences.

For example, forgetting to take out the garbage on pickup day might take us to DefCon 4, meaning that a mild scolding is in the offing. Failure to mow the lawn or perform some other assigned task would be considered DefCon 3 infractions, with relative greater consequences, while coming home from Chuck E. Cheese's with one less (or more) kid than we left home with will get us instantly and uncomfortably into DefCon 2 territory.

In the three basic DefCon 1 situations - her birthday, your anniversary and Mother's Day - failure is simply not an option.

The idea of Mother's Day has been around in this country since just after the Civil War, when Julia Ward Howe (who wrote the words to the Battle Hymn of the Republic) issued her Mother's Day Peace Proclamation. Since then we've put Julia on a stamp, brought in the Hallmark people, and pretty much got rid of that pesky old "Peace" thing that was cluttering up her idea.

So now we set aside one Sunday each year to honor the moms of the world. We might start out the day by making her breakfast in bed, treating her to a succulent banquet of chocolate chip waffles and orange juice. And if we're careful in the kitchen, it won't take her much more than four or five hours to clean up after us.

Of course we also should get Mom a present, something thoughtful yet fun, something that will appeal to her romantic nature. The big gift idea this season is the Sucks-Much XXL Vacuum Cleaner. It comes with the "Chiropractor's Dream" attachment package - an assortment of tubes, funny-looking plastic things and brushes that fit into a compartment on the handle and kick the curb weight up to about 215 pounds.

And then there's the Mother's Day card. You need to find her something sentimental yet cheerful, with a deeply spiritual message. Something like:

Mom, you're beautiful and fragrant;
You've helped us grow from boys to men.
Without you, Dad would be a vagrant;
Oops, the cat puked in the Den.

You know, while Mother's Day does put a certain amount of pressure on all us dads, sons and daughters, it seems to me that giving the moms of this world their own special day is well worth the effort. How can we really thank the woman who was the primary diaper changer, nose wiper, Band-Aid applier, playground supervisor, educational consultant, nutritional expert, transportation facilitator, recreation coordinator and dad pacifier in our young lives.

And as dads, how can we even begin to repay the woman who is all of those things for our children?

Of course there are a lot of people like me whose mother might still be looking after us, only she's doing it from somewhere up above. We can't send her a card or hand her a bouquet of flowers. The best we can do is hold her in our hearts and smile - didn't she always love to see you smile?

So how can we really show our gratitude to someone who, for most of her adult life, has quietly accepted the idea that all the things she wanted would come in a distant second to all the things her family needed?

How about saying, "I Love You, Mom. And thanks. "

Copyright © 2006, Michael Ball

Mike Ball is the Erma Bombeck Award-winning author of "What I've Learned So Far..." and the book What I've Learned So Far... Part I: Bikes, Docks & Slush Nuggets. This column is an excerpt from the book.