It is a commonality amongst milkmaids and dairy men that the proper position when hand milking includes resting ones head against the flank of the cow. This is perceived as a loving gesture by the general public, when in fact it is based on expediency and logistics. Sitting thus helps properly locate you so the farthest back teats can be easily reached, plus — and this is a biggie folks — the proximity gives you early warning of an imminent hoof shifting.

Well-trained, well-routined cows tend to stand nicely still for the duration of a milking session, but you never know when a fly on the belly or mere need-to-fidget impulse will override the “I’m supposed to stand still” understanding. Were you to take my cow milking class or witness a narrated demonstration, you would learn more about this.

You would also learn that this position must at times be modified to meet conditions such as when it's so derned hot, sweat is dripping off the end of your nose and would end up in the milk pail were you so situated. Or perhaps the cow chose to nap in a fresh pile of you-know-what and has a nice smear right where your head would go. Under these conditions, you are well advised to let your shoulders suffer the strain of reaching or switch sides to address the farthest teats.

By the way, the current correct term for one who procures milk from a dairy animal is "Lactation Specialist," and I am endowed with the authority to convey this title on those completing my course of study here at Firesign Family Farm's School of Hard Knocks.

Moooogna Cud Laude honors is an admirable goal; think how nice your certificate would look hanging on your office wall! Another course of study covered is basic Farm Physics 101 as in:

“A body in motion tends to stay in motion”.

This does not apply to cows. A cow is capable of deep thinking; however this cannot occur if her feet are moving. While moseying in from the pasture to be milked, a cow will slip into neutral* whenever a deep philosophical thought enters her mind. The frequency of this cessation of motion directly correlates to the distance the cow is from the main gate when it first enters her mind that it is time to start towards the barn. A dozen times or more are possible if she is all the way in a back corner, as a cow has many things to ponder.

“Cause and effect”

Meanwhile, you’re 1) standing in the rain, 2) feeding a horde of deerflies, 3) in a hurry because you’re actually going somewhere after chores. If none of these conditions exist the cow will be waiting at the gate when you get there.

And you will be tested on motion dynamics so remember:

A cow has three speeds.

• Slow

• Neutral

• Faster-than-you-when-the-gate-is-left-open

Ruth Ehman has been farming her 53 acres north of Dexter for 25 years. Recently retired from a "real job" she now makes her living producing "real food" including operating a dairy, and teaching others skills conducive to a small, diverse family farm lifestyle. Contact her through firesignfamilyfarm.com at ruthehman@live.com.