It Gets Better: Dan Savage gets serious about halting anti-gay bullying during talk at EMU
Sex advice columnist Dan Savage visited Eastern Michigan University to speak Wednesday night.
Melanie Maxwell | AnnArbor.com
Sex advice columnist Dan Savage has received a lot of attention in the three weeks since starting a YouTube project, "It Gets Better," after last month's suicide of Billy Lucas in Greensburg, Indiana.
Lucas was the victim of anti-gay bullying. Since then, there have been several other bullying-related suicides. Rutgers freshman Tyler Clementi leapt from the George Washington Bridge on Sept. 22, three days after his roommate secretly broadcasted his sexual encounter over the Internet.
"We wanted to make a video not about bullying because they all know about being bullied, but about our lives now," he said. "The kid who commits suicide is saying, 'I can't imagine having a life.'"
Several thousand gay men and woman from all walks of life have posted their own YouTube testimonials to share their stories and reassure gay teens there is a good life waiting for them.
"The deal was for us that they're yours to torture until they're 18, then it's over. That's not the deal anymore," Savage said Wednesday to a packed ballroom at Eastern Michigan University. "What I love about the campaign is how subversive it is. We're not going to wait for your permission."
Known for his irreverent and bawdy "Savage Love" advice column in Seattle, Savage was already scheduled to come to EMU by Campus Life and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) Resource Center.
Dan Savage spoke to a packed house at EMU on Wednesday.
Melanie Maxwell | AnnArbor.com
"Someone this week at LGBT said it was the best-worst time to have him here," said Mary Larkin, who was helping with the event.
He didn't disappoint, even sickened by the flu. He spent more than two hours answering questions — written on cards and asked live — from gay and straight audience members. Topics ranged from advice to a third wheel in a "poly" relationship to which first-time vibrator he recommends for women. (By the way, it's the Hitachi Magic Wand.)
To a woman who asked why her husband initiates sex in his sleep, which she doesn't mind, Savage said, "If you're OK with it, then why ask why?"
Research shows some people initiate sex in their sleep without their knowledge, he said.
"It's a real phenomenon," he said. "It doesn't mean they're rapists, but should probably be properly restrained on camping trips."
Testimonials
Yet Savage several times broke into tears when asked about the YouTube testimonials and anti-gay bullying. And he teed off on those who call homosexuality a choice.
"I'm sure 13-year-old Asher Brown could have chosen to be straight, but it's so much easier to put a bullet in your head," said Savage, himself the target of anti-gay bullying growing up.
A clergyman asked how Christian clergy can support gays and lesbians. Savage answered, "Speak the (expletive) up."
"We need moderate, liberal Christian organizations that are well-founded and loud," he said.
Savage said he's sick of telling conservative Christians like Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council that not all Christians are anti-gay.
"I'm getting tired of saying it for you," he said.
Anti-gay rhetoric directly leads to anti-gay bullying, he said. When gay kids are bullied at school, they often don't feel like they can come to their parents. They're bullied at home, then they're bullied at church, he said.
"Parents are bullying their gay kids because they think it will keep them from coming out," he said. "If the choice is a gay kid or a dead kid, you have to be some kind of a monster to want that."
Savage said he knew he would never get permission to speak at middle schools and high schools about anti-bullying policies, even though gay teens are four to six times more likely to commit suicide than straight kids.
"A straight kid has a shoulder to cry on," he said. "He's not bullied by his preacher for being a nerd."
"Five girls committed suicide in Minnesota this year, but an effort to bring an anti-bullying program in the schools ground to a halt because it addressed anti-gay bullying," he said.
The Saline school board this week voted against a measure to add "sexual orientation, gender identity and gender expression" to its non-discrimination policy.
"Suicides are getting worse in places where we haven't been paying attention to," he said. "We're reaching a point in our culture where you've got to take sides and stand up because people are dying."
A woman wrote to him after hearing about his project on the radio. She was in the car with her son, who got quiet when Savage was talking about the YouTube project.
"She had suspicions he was gay," Savage said, his voice cracking. "And just generally in the car, she said, 'If I had a child who is gay, I would hope he could come to me.' And he just burst into tears, sobbing deeply in a way she had never heard."
He was being bullied at school, Savage said.
Ned Randolph is a freelance writer for AnnArbor.com. Reach the news desk at news@annarbor.com or 734-623-2530.
Comments
indigonation
Fri, Oct 15, 2010 : 11 p.m.
I think this is Awesome, being gay is not something someone should be put down for. All bullying not just anti gay bullying is terrible, but there is a certain cruelty that is ignorant and doesn't even seem human about anti gay bulling. It doesn't just cause problems for the gays, it causes problems for any emotionally balanced guy who is more sensitive. Being sensitive and creative is beautiful and a gift not a curse. Lets take the word f*a*g out of the English language as it is an insult to everything beautiful in this world. Peace
David Briegel
Fri, Oct 15, 2010 : 7:17 p.m.
I have seen Mr Savage on numerous occassions and I find him to be brilliant, insightful, funny, and spot on. Say It Plain, great comment! Sasquatch, even better!! I think Tom got lost! Katie, you are so right! Speechless, I agree. Religous extremism is one of the major challenges we face as a society. Many are beginning to resemble the Taliban. They claim a war on Christianity and I believe they are waging a war on sanity!
katie
Fri, Oct 15, 2010 : 2:05 p.m.
It is heartbreaking that these young people are committing suicide. I'm glad that EMU had this speaker. I was very moved by the story of the mother and 13-year-old. Thank you for reporting on this excellent work by Savage to reach out to these children/teens. [Saline schools need to change their minds]
sasquatch
Fri, Oct 15, 2010 : 11:51 a.m.
Growing up is difficult- no matter what your culture or family of origin is. Being drawn to religious extremism only adds to the difficulty- both within oneself and with your culture at large. Savage's solution to this issue is to force the culture to change by affirming the inclination of some to seek to out religious extremism- even as teenagers. Many of us know this to be an ultimately destructive path and it is not a loving response to encourage religious extremism. Savage needs to understand that some of us see embracing religious extremism as a negative and that there is nothing good in it. Savage is merely playing on teenage suicide as a lever to force acceptance of that which has no positive attributes.
Tom
Fri, Oct 15, 2010 : 11:07 a.m.
Growing up is difficult- no matter what your culture or family of origin is. Being drawn to sexual deviancy only adds to the difficulty- both within oneself and with your culture at large. Savage's solution to this issue is to force the culture to change by affirming the inclination of some to seek to out same-sex sexual relations- even as teenagers. Many of us know this to be an ultimately destructive path and it is not a loving response to encourage sexual deviancy. Savage needs to understand that some of us see embracing homosexually as a negative and that there is nothing good in it. Savage is merely playing on teenage suicide as a lever to force acceptance of that which has no positive attributes.
Timothy
Thu, Oct 14, 2010 : 3:41 p.m.
Actually it was a Pagan clergy who asked how pro-LGBT clergy and people of pro-LGBT spirituality could help, but all the same, Mr. Savage's answer to the question is spot-on.
Davidian
Thu, Oct 14, 2010 : 2:04 p.m.
That guy has some real guts, good for him. He's very brave.
Speechless
Thu, Oct 14, 2010 : 1 p.m.
... "A straight kid has a shoulder to cry on," he said. "He's not bullied by his preacher for being a nerd."... "Five girls committed suicide in Minnesota this year, but an effort to bring an anti-bullying program in the schools ground to a halt because it addressed anti-gay bullying," he said. These two lines found near the end of the article above — as much or more than anything else that has been written on this news site in recent days — very concisely describe why adding six more words to the Saline school district's anti-discrimination policy is a necessary step, and why the school board majority's rejection was misguided. The conservative religious "argument" that bullying alone is the only real issue involved or, alternately, that it's pointlessly redundant to add LGBTQ people to the anti-discrimination policy list, is no more than a carefully pre-progammed talking point and also an open lie to the public. A small consolation is that numerous Saline opponents of equal rights and protections felt compelled to hide behind such a rationalization. They made an effort to pretend that they did not firmly wish to discriminate, which reflects meaningfully the ongoing shift in social attitudes favoring greater equality.
say it plain
Thu, Oct 14, 2010 : 10:45 a.m.
This nicely written piece indicates *exactly* why people who claim gay teen suicide is "just" about bullying--and really all the kids who get suicidal faced with harassment coming from intolerance about gender and sexual identities, like straight girls being relentlessly called 'sluts' or kids being challenged on how they carry themselves or what activities they like--are not seeing straight, as it were. It's *not* just about bullying. It's about needing to quiet the hateful discriminatory ignorant voices so we can *all* live in peace.
Sarah
Thu, Oct 14, 2010 : 10:37 a.m.
He was absolutely incredible, as usual.
Killroy
Thu, Oct 14, 2010 : 10:10 a.m.
Lovely people.
rusty shackelford
Thu, Oct 14, 2010 : 9:24 a.m.
Did Andrew Shirvell picket the event?