School is out, and summer is officially here — time to get the heck out of Dodge!

This time of year, many of our clients at The Betty Brigade need a little help preparing for and organizing their vacations. It's amazing how much of an effect what you pack has on the enjoyment — or not — of your trip. Here are a few tips for better packing and planning:

Photo by Flickr user JoshuaDavisPhotography

• Pack on paper before you fill your suitcase. Jot down the kinds of activities you’ll likely be involved in. Swimming? Dining in nice restaurants? Walking? Touring in a bus? This will help you decide on the clothing and gear you’ll need, and how much of each. List pants together, tops together, etc., so you can easily see if you have too much or too little of an item.

• As departure time draws near, check your destination’s extended forecast to better predict the need for outerwear, hats and umbrellas. Rule of thumb: pack items you can layer for colder temperatures and remove as you get warmer.

• Be prepared for the worst. If travelling by plane with at least one companion, share your packing so that if one suitcase is lost, everyone loses some, but no one loses all. Never put anything you can’t live without in a checked bag. Keep prescriptions, glasses, important documents in your carry-on bag, along with one change of clothing and daily-use toiletries.

Happy landings!

Judy DiForte is a professional organizer and marketing manager at The Betty Brigade, an Ann Arbor-based concierge company specializing in organizing, moving coordination and event planning. Have a comment? Leave it here or email her at Judy@BettyBrigade.com.

Image by stock.xchng user ilco

We've spoken before about the challenges of walking away from a conversation and came up with a few techniques on how to do that. Of course, to use these techniques we have to get into a conversation, first.

This is one of those areas that makes a lot of people uncomfortable with attending networking events. Walking up to and striking up a conversation with other people is really putting ourselves out there. What if they don't want to talk?

Let's look at different possible groupings that we might see at an event and talk about how we might approach each one.

• One person. This is an easy one. If you see one person standing off by himself (assuming he isn't talking on his cell phone), then you can just pretend you are the host of the party, walk up and say hello. I'll sometimes say that they looked bored or lonely so I thought I would come over to say hello. Introduce yourself listen to their response and then ask some of your prepared questions. A lot of times, if you see someone standing alone off to the side, it means that they are painfully uncomfortable with the situation, so you approaching them makes you the hero.
• Two people. This one is a little more challenging, and you really need to read their body language to know how or whether to approach. If they are shoulder to shoulder, facing the room, then feel free to walk up and say hello. If they are squared off to each other (face-to-face) or shoulder to shoulder facing away from the rest of the room, then they are usually having a private conversation which would be rude to interrupt.
• Two people — one friend, one friend-to-be. This is a special case of the previous group. In this case, one member of the group you are approaching is someone you know already. The nice thing here is if you can catch your friend's eye, then they are likely to invite you to join them and will also probably make the necessary introductions. Of course, still keep an eye on the body language. Even your friends have a right to a private conversation.
• Three people. I met a young man recently who claimed that he loved to enter an existing three-way conversation. His method was just to walk up, wait for a break, and then ask for permission to join. He said it was much more efficient than meeting people one at a time. I think my only concern would be that it's harder to make a connection with three people than it would be for only one or two. There might also be a tendency to focus on talking about ourselves instead of finding out about them. Still, if you can make it work, then by all means, give it a shot.
• Four or more people. The good thing about larger groups is that it as the number increases, it actually becomes easier to join in. The larger the group the less likely it is that they are having a private conversation. The downside is that it becomes almost impossible to make connections with individuals — which is kind of the whole purpose behind going to the event in the first place.

Once you're in the conversation, whether it's a group of two or 20. Remember that your goal is to find out about the other people and then decide if you would enjoy meeting them again. Chat, get their card, if it makes sense, and then move on. Save the long conversations for when you are seated over coffee at a later date.

Greg Peters, founder of The Reluctant Networker LLC, writes, speaks and coaches about good networking practice. For more tips that can help your connections count, go to www.thereluctantnetworker.com.

Wild party for my 50th birthday? Nah! The Holiday Hustle 5K for me!

Photo by Doug Jackson

Are you a baby boomer, age 50 or older, or about to hit that milestone number?

Congratulations! It’s a great time to be alive. In 1900, the average life expectancy was just 47 years. Today that number is close to 80, and it’s likely to increase further in the years ahead. What did (or does) reaching 50 mean to you? Has it changed your outlook at all? Have you made or do you intend on any lifestyle changes to help you make the rest of your life the best it can be?

Last December I joined more than 4 million Americans who turned 50 in 2011 (“late boomers,” as it were). I want to maintain a high quality of life for as long as possible, and I’ll go out on a limb and assume everyone else wants this, too.

And the prospects are excellent; these days there’s a greater level of nutritional awareness, plentiful options for exercise and physical therapy, and a preventive approach to health care with incentives from insurance companies to stay active and fit. And with the 50-and-over demographic segment expected to make up 45 percent of the U.S. population by 2015, our voices will be heard; if we want something bad enough, we’ll get it.

So are boomers taking advantage of the opportunities to improve their quality of life? Some sure are; the number of over-50 marathon runners continues to increase, and in a study sponsored by Humana, Inc. 75 percent of the respondents over age 50 reported exercising three or more times per week. But according to a New York Daily News article, about two-thirds of all boomers are overweight, with about half of those considered obese.

Clearly, not everyone is joining the party. I suspect many of you, like me not all that long ago, would like to be more active and lead a healthier lifestyle, but don't know where to start or don't think you have the time. In my mid-forties, I decided to make the time and start training, and “Fitness at 50” is the result.

It's all about the attitude! (Glamming prior to the Borgess Run for the Health of It! 5K last weekend.)

Photo by Rachel Jackson

• Run and bike a combined total of at least 2,500 miles (50x50)
• Run a 50K ultramarathon
• Take a 500-mile bike trip
• Attend 50 Aikido classes in one month (completed)
• Write a novel of at least 50,000 words

Now, I didn’t go from inactivity to all this overnight. But the good news is that improvement — even rapid improvement — can happen at any age. I began running seriously at age 46 and just four years later I am performing near the top of my age group. For a really amazing example, one guy I correspond with went from couch potato at age 52 to completing an Ironman triathlon at 55.

In future columns, I will be reporting on my adventures and discoveries from this year of celebration and the lessons I learn along the way. I’ll also be talking to other active people in their 40s, 50s, and older, sharing their stories about what they do to keep fit, what they enjoy about it, and what motivates them to keep going through the not-so-enjoyable parts. I hope at least a few of you out there will be inspired to join me in getting more active and getting or keeping fit. It's good for you!

This is good for me... (gasp!) This is good for me...

Photo by Rachel Jackson

Jeff Jackson is a runner, cyclist, and student of Aikido who writes the Fitness at 50 blog. His other interests include history, writing, and food (especially coffee, bread and chocolate). He can be reached at jeff@fitnessat50.net.

Anybody remember that commercial for plastic bins? The family had too much stuff, so they bought a bunch of bins and packed it all away. Then they had extra room, so they bought more stuff!

At The Betty Brigade we do a lot of home organizings and clear-outs. We have occasionally worked in true hoarding situations, but in most cases, the problem is simply that over time, more has come into a household than gone out.

I have nothing against plastic bins; they're great for storage. But they should allow you more space — not more stuff.

Remember your first apartment? Relatives and friends gave you cast-offs, and you could barely furnish the place? Then, gradually, you replaced pieces with nicer pieces, and more stuff started coming in. In this country, from toddlerhood, we’re primed to consume and acquire. It’s no wonder so many of us live with clutter.

Pursuing the American dream, we go from an apartment to a starter home, to a larger home to raise our families. Not enough room for our stuff? We must be outgrowing our house; time to move! All that stuff is a sign of success, right?

Or are we confusing possessions with freedom?

I think true success means you have more choices and fewer limitations. You can travel where and when you want to, spend time with loved ones, enjoy your hobbies and your fulfilling work. Not much stuff is required for that.

For an interesting take on clutter and being green, click here.

We’re currently working with a family of four who are getting ready to sell their home. It was cluttered and messy, and they needed help clearing it out and staging it. They’ve lived there for 13 years, having moved in with a toddler and later having a second child.

Over the years, stuff came into the house. School papers, art projects, gifts, toys, sports paraphernalia, computer games, clothing , books, etc. Stuff became clutter… You see where I’m going, right? Very little ever went back out.

The husband and wife called each other pack rats, but they weren’t holding on to things on purpose. They just never considered getting rid of anything. Closets were stuffed full, and furniture blocked them anyway, so no one even remembered what was in there.

We’re all encouraged to consume, but few are trained to let go. Yet the process is quite liberating. As we continued de-cluttering in this home, one by one, the family members got on board. As more space appeared, tension levels subsided.

Boxes of stockpiled books and clothing left the house. Recycling bins were filled. Stacks of papers were sorted into categories: keep, recycle and shred. The kids became excited to see their rooms transform into a nice place to spend time — to read, to work, to have friends over.

For some tips on keeping clutter at bay, check this out.

With spring underway, consider letting stuff go. Get some free boxes at the grocery store and label them donate, keep, sell and discard. Remind yourself that very little is irreplaceable.

As you look at each item, if you keep hearing yourself say, “But I might need it someday,” you are keeping real stuff for an imaginary reason. Trust in your own ability to find what you need when you need it. The world is full of amazing things. But they don’t all have to be in your house.

Judy DiForte is a professional organizer for the Betty Brigade, an Ann Arbor-based concierge company specializing in move coordination, organizing and event planning. Email her at Judy@BettyBrigade.com, or leave a comment here.

Photo by Flickr user kerryvaughan

When my mother was in her mid-sixties, I found her new habit of giving away possessions morbid. She had plenty of life left, I asserted to my siblings. What was the rush?

Now at the same age, I find myself with a thirst for decluttering. Almost weekly I set out a bag for Purple Heart or Easter Seals. I crave clean, organized closets, drawers and cupboards.

The accumulation — years have passed and now all the extra stuff I no longer "need" — feels like a burden. My responsibilities have changed. The family has grown by grandchildren, great nieces and nephews. It's the next generation's turn to build nests. I'm delighted to pass along curtains, towels and gently-used clothing and furniture.

As I declutter my home, I am claiming new territory, more space. I let go of the worn out baggage of the past and look forward to the future. My body is changing and with it, different demands for its care — more time spent exercising, stretching, researching and cooking healthy foods.

It’s an exciting time — long walks appreciating the beauty of nature and the loving network of family and friends I’ve created. The "extras" require more care than I want to give. They need to be dusted, repaired, and stored properly. I’m done moving them from my closet to the garage to the attic. I'd rather be outside kicking a soccer ball with my grandsons.

Susan Scott Morales is a meditation teacher, retired psychotherapist, published poet, novelist, and community contributor to AnnArbor.com and blogger on redroom.com. Her articles appear regularly on Huffington Post Healthy Living. Reach her at susanmmorales@yahoo.com or visit her website: susanscottmorales.com or fan page: https://www.facebook.com/susanscottmorales.writer.

Photo by Flickr user tokyosucks

You don’t have to be a drama queen (or king) to be tripped up by life's ups and downs. We all have disturbing things happen to us — from the irritation of losing one's keys to an ongoing family crisis.

How do you handle these situations? In my psychotherapy practice, folks came to me because their strategies of addictive behavior, blaming others or repressing their feelings didn't work.

Psychotherapy is effective for many reasons but one is that the client is guided to find a part or parts of himself/herself that can be strengthened to better manage life's difficulties. I found meditation helped my clients, and me personally, to integrate and strengthen positives changes.

As I meditated, I began to feel less anxious about everything. When things happened to upset me, I was able to see the circumstances and myself with more objectivity — taking things less personally. Meditating on the inner life or inner response, I began to see many choices that had been invisible to me. I began to have more patience with others and myself.

When we have patience, we don't have to "fix" something right away. Instead, we can allow things to unfold until an appropriate response becomes clear. What if you could be as patient with yourself as you are with a child learning something new? Each moment we have the choice to be patient and react in a timely and meaningful way.

Here's a meditation exercise to help develop that kind of patience:

Imagine something that tends to irritate you on a regular basis. Pick a situation that isn't overwhelming, but something that "gets under your skin." You can build up to the more difficult issues.

Relax by taking deep breaths in a seated meditation posture. Imagine a time when you felt very peaceful. If you find this difficult, focus on someone you see as peaceful, such as a sleeping baby.

After a few moments, become aware of how your body relaxes. Take another deep breath and enjoy the feeling. Now think of the irritating situation. Notice how your body responds. Does it get more tense? Notice how your mind wants to go into details, build a case for how this situation should be different.

Then go back to the feeling of being as peaceful as a sleeping baby. Take a few deep breaths continuing to direct your focus to the serenity. If the disturbing situation comes into focus, simply return to the feeling of peace and relaxation.

With practice, you’ll find that your patience grows, and with it, more choices on how you respond.

Susan Scott Morales is a meditation teacher, psychotherapist, published poet, novelist, and community contributor to AnnArbor.com and blogger on redroom.com. Tweet her @susanscottmoral, reach her at susanmmorales@yahoo.com or visit her website: susanscottmorales.com or fan page: https://www.facebook.com/susanscottmorales.writer

January is National Get Organized Month, so the question is pertinent: What does it mean to be organized? Author A.A. Milne said, "Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up."

As convoluted as it sounds, I think A.A. really nailed it. You organize before you do anything else. It's the system you put in place for stuff to go through, so you know where it all is, and it's not all mixed up.

Here's a link to several other people's definitions of organizing. Words pop up like "efficiency" and "simplicity."

Here's a loftier view: "Order is the shape upon which beauty depends." —Pearl S. Buck.

I like that one because it emphasizes the context that organization creates. Let's take interior design. If everything is asymmetrical, then asymmetry has no meaning. It can only have an effect when it's played against symmetry.

So, let's say you have a fireplace with a mantle, and there's a bookcase to either side. On the mantel, left of center, you place a vase of tulips. Step back, and what stands out? The tulips.

But if you have a big window on one side and a bookcase on the other, the brain doesn't register the tulips as taking center stage (if you'll forgive the phrase). The brain sees an asymmetrical scene.

Getting back to the initial process of organizing... When we help clients organize, our mantra (and, in fact, our motto) is "simplify." The first thing we do is to subtract the unnecessary. Once that's done, we take a second look. Often, clients are astounded at the difference, once the space is pared down. They then can frequently take it from there. All the unnecessary stuff blinded them from the easier task at hand.

How do you know when you are organized? Do you have a technique? Do you feel lost and overwhelmed? I would love to hear from you, by comment here or via email.

Judy DiForte is a professional organizer for The Betty Brigade, a full-service personal assistance and concierge company based in Ann Arbor. Email her at Judy@BettyBrigade.com.

photo from stock_xchange

"I don’t know where to start. It’s overwhelming!"

That’s what most clients say when consulting on an organizing project. It can be daunting, but it’s like any large undertaking. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!

No project can be done all at once. But even the process of breaking it down can overwhelm some of us. "Not only do I have this project, I have to outline it first? Like with Roman numerals and phases and stages and steps? AARGH!"

Yep, we hear that all the time. But, you may well wonder, if you can't break it down, how can you hope to achieve your goal? How can you get to California without a map?

Just start walking west!

Same goes for getting organized without clearcut steps. Just start. It’s really that simple. Pick up the item that’s closest to you.

The website throwoutfiftythings advocates asking, "Does it make me happy? Do I really need it? Would I pass it on to my children or other people I love?" If you can't answer yes to at least one of those questions, it has got to go. (By the way, "throw out" here just means to get it out of the house, preferably by selling, donating or recycling it.)

Getting rid of clutter is the crucial beginning of any organizing project — and sometimes the end, as well. There’s an expression, "Clear desk, clear mind." It's hard to sit down at a messy desk and feel inspired to begin working. Space is calming. It invites creativity. Clutter blocks creativity, because it fills in all the gaps with stuff that's already been created.

Here’s another good site: http://www.azcentral.com/style/hfe/decor/articles/2009/08/05/20090805bigpurge.html

Here you’ll read how to part with sentimentally charged items by linking your emotions to the memory itself, rather than to the physical symbol of the memory. 

Okay, so back to the mixed metaphor of the edible elephant and walking west to California. Find ways other than outlines, maps or flow charts to measure your progress:

* Use time as your metric. Set a timer for an hour, for example, and go through items, decluttering, until the timer goes off. If you did this every day, by week's end, you'd have really made a dent.

* Use empty boxes and plan, for example, to fill one donation box per day for a week.

* Work outward from where you are. Let's say you’re sitting at your desk. Pick up each item on the desk, asking the above questions — do I need it? Do I love it? Would I pass it along to a loved one? When you’re done with the desk, look at what’s around the desk. Keep moving outward, bit by bit every day for a week.

As professional organizers, we at the Betty Brigade see many homes with unbelievable amounts of clutter. Sometimes the person has passed away, and we're called in to clear out the home and ready it for sale. It's astonishing how much stuff accumulates when you’ve lived somewhere for 50 years and raised a family there.

When I need inspiration to declutter my own home, I imagine my family having to come in and deal with it all. Once I see my own clutter as a burden to my loved ones, I have no trouble parting with it.

That’s the negative push.

The positive motivation for me is knowing the luxury of space. We as a culture undervalue space. We think of it as nothingness, when really it's something very special.

Space has infinite potential. As soon as you put something there, that space is defined and unavailable for anything else. But when protected and left empty, space contains every possibility, and that nurtures our creative selves.

How do you feel when you walk into a clean, clear room and sit down to work? I feel calm and restful. I feel flow. That's because the creative spirit can stretch, move and breathe. There is room for me there.

Something could happen there. Anything could happen there. That’s the inifinite potential in space. It invites flow and stimulates inner energies.

Let this be the year we celebrate space — the final frontier!

I’d love to hear your ideas on de-cluttering. Any tips to share? Special roadblocks you face?

Judy DiForte is a professional organizer for the Betty Brigade, an Ann Arbor-based concierge company specializing in move coordination, organizing and event planning. Email her at Judy@BettyBrigade.com, or leave a comment here.

So, could you recommend a good hotel in Mazatlan?

Photo by Heather Sorenson

This is part five in my series on asking for referrals. I'd recommend that you read the other parts, but you can probably get by without them.

Last time, we covered some of the other business referral requests we could make beyond asking for more clients. Today I want to remind you that networking isn't just for business. You can call upon your networking resources for personal reasons, too.

Here are a few ideas.

• Doctors, dentists and other health experts. Of course, you can always just pick a name out of the phone book. Wouldn't it be nice, though, to have the recommendation of someone you trust before you open your mouth and say, "Ahhh"?
• Vacation destinations. I'd guess you have more than a couple of inveterate travelers in your network. If you are planning a trip anywhere, you might mention it to your connections. You might be able to avoid some of the mistakes they made and see some sites you might otherwise have missed.
• Household help. Last summer, Lisa and I lost power over a weekend. It sure would have been nice to know someone in my network who would have been willing to lend us a generator. You know I'll be asking around for next time.
• Education. Whether it's a recommendations for a cooking class for yourself, or maybe your kids need a reference or two to attach to their college application forms, check your network. Remember, people love to help. Giving them an opportunity that doesn't involve becoming your client is a great way to make them feel indispensable in your life.
• Advisors and mentors. This could easily have fallen under the business-related category, too. If you are trying to succeed in some goal in your life, whether personal or business, mention it in the course of your networking. Not only will you get the support of all of your friends, but you may discover someone else who has traveled the same path and would be willing to warn you about the challenges which lie in your way.

As with client referrals and other business requests, your best bet is to be as specific in your requests as possible. The more information you can provide to your connections, the better able they will be to help you.

Remember, networking is not just about business as usual. Properly nurtured, it can also be a force in your life which helps you reach your highest potential.

Next time, we'll have a brief review on some of the techniques of the actual process of asking for a referral. After all, it would be a shame to make a misstep and leave yourself worse off than if you hadn't bothered to ask at all.

Greg Peters, founder of The Reluctant Networker LLC, writes, speaks and coaches about good networking practice. For more tips that can help your connections count, go to www.thereluctantnetworker.com.

Eat less, exercise more, lose weight. Many of us have made these resolutions before and failed; the key may be more evolving and absolving and less fretting and regretting.

Health-related goals have always been popular New Year's resolutions, but along with those goals often comes roadblocks. Family obligations, time constraints, boredom with your exericse regime and, often, a lack of fast weight loss hinder our success. So why not try something a little different this year: Let's resolve to evolve!

Washtenaw County Public Health Department health educator Charles Wilson, came up with some resolutions to improve physical and mental well-being. We've also included some tips from WebMD.

Eat, but don't pig out

When we overeat, we tend to do so on binges, eating a large amount of food over a short period of time, like a four-day weekend. The result is a couple of extra pounds around the hips or waist the following week.

Many people try to take it back off the same way — too much in too short a period of time — and they end up discouraged. Don't try for instant results. You've slacked off for a couple of weeks, and it's going to take at least as long to get trim again.

Last Year: Be healthier.

This Year: Eat five fruits and vegetables a day, walk 30 minutes a day three to five times a week, and limit fast food to once a week.

Last Year: Get in shape.

This Year: Go to gym three times a week, and workout 60 to 90 minutes.

Be smoke-free.

If you think you're ready to quit, call 1-800-QUIT-NOW for free counseling. Or check out the services the WCPHD offers.

Re-balance your health

Continue to increase your activity level at the same time that you reduce your caloric intake and improve the types of foods you eat. As you begin to move your body back into balance, you'll start to feel your energy increase.

The key is to take small, but consistent, actions in the right direction. You didn't put on the extra weight overnight, and you can't work it off overnight either. Slow and steady wins the race, and it will get your body back into a healthy state as well!

Photo by Flickr user Lisa Padilla

But I propose that meditating on what we want can give us insights into ourselves and also help us achieve greater satisfaction in the gifts we receive.

Take the example of the desire for a camera. Why does someone want a camera? To record memories, to make art? What is the impulse behind those desires? To feel connected? Whether you meditate on getting the camera, making art or feeling connected, you are enhancing the possibility of receiving what you want.

We so often dismiss our desires as selfish. But what is underlying those wishes? Let's look at another example: a young woman wants a beautiful dress for a New Year's Eve party. Why? Maybe because it's fun to dress up. Why does she need fun? Well, perhaps it's because she works hard and needs something to look forward to. Besides, who doesn't need fun?

When athletes visualize themselves competing at their peak, they are more successful. In the same way, when we meditate on what we want, we have a greater chance to get it. To make the most of this, however, I suggest we look beneath our desires. If you focus only on the camera, you may get a camera but never use it. By focusing on the desire for creativity or connectedness, the manifestation may come as a camera and something much more satisfying.

In addition, the more self-awareness we develop, the more freely we can give the gift of ourselves to our loved ones and our communities.

Susan Scott Morales is a meditation teacher, psychotherapist, published poet, novelist, and community contributor to AnnArbor.com and blogger on redroom.com. Tweet her @susanscottmoral, reach her at susanmmorales@yahoo.com or visit her website: susanscottmorales.com or fan page: https://www.facebook.com/susanscottmorales.writer.

Photo by Diane McLean

Whether the sun is rising or setting, it paints the sky in breath-taking hues. Likewise, when we give or receive a gift our heart radiates warmth.

Can you think of a time you gave a gift that you really put your heart into? When the person received it, did you feel a swelling in your chest, your happiness expand? And what about when you received a gift that was just perfect for you, at just the right time? Didn’t you feel your heart get bigger?

Today’s meditation is very simple. In your meditation posture, take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Allow your mind to float freely over times you’ve given a gift you’re excited about giving. Focus on one of those times and notice how your body feels. Rest in that feeling. Now remember when you’ve received a gift that surprised and delighted you.

Notice the sensation in your heart. Focus your attention there.

Perhaps, like me, you’ll experience the feeling of giving and the feeling of receiving as the same. Isn’t it true that when we give, we receive? And, I believe, when we receive, we are also giving the giver something. Don’t you feel you’ve received a gift when someone appreciates you?

Continue to focus on the sensations in your heart and in your body that come from giving and receiving. If you start to question yourself or your mind wanders, bring your attention back to your breath or the feelings in your heart. Rest in the sweet feeling your heart is giving you.

For further reading on this topic, you may enjoy my article “A Meditation on Gratitude,” published last week in Huffington Post.

Susan Scott Morales is a meditation teacher, psychotherapist, published poet, novelist, and community contributor to AnnArbor.com and Huffington Post Healthy Living, as well as a blogger on redroom.com. Tweet her @susanscottmoral, reach her at susanmmorales@yahoo.com or visit her website: susanscottmorales.com or fan page: https://www.facebook.com/susanscottmorales.writer.

Photo by Flickr user Denzil~

As children, I think many of us naturally daydreamed. How often do you do it now? Do you remember how calming it is? I think this is what the Youtube presenter is describing — losing your focus, allowing the mind to “space out.”

I've observed my grandson doing this to put himself to sleep. He stares off into the distance.

Try doing that right now. Take your eyes off the page and look at a distant point without focusing on it. How does it feel? What I notice is that my mind relaxes. My shoulders also drop, and my breath deepens.

When I taught meditation to a group of parents of pre-schoolers, the teacher was upset. She was worried something might happen if parents meditated while their children were around.

Of course, I’m not advocating meditating while you’re driving or in any other situation where it might be dangerous. What the teacher didn't realize is that meditation actually heightens our awareness.

But, for those of you who are concerned, keep your eyes open. Simply stare off once in awhile to feel refreshed.

Susan Scott Morales is a meditation teacher, psychotherapist, published poet, novelist, and community contributor to AnnArbor.com and blogger on redroom.com. Tweet her @susanscottmoral, reach her at susanmmorales@yahoo.com or visit her website: susanscottmorales.com or fan page: https://www.facebook.com/susanscottmorales.writer.

Photo by Bing Ramos

When someone decides to use a networking event for selling, one of the things I will often see them do is use an "elevator pitch" to ask probing questions designed to uncover specific needs.

The problem with this approach is that it is effectively asking the other person: "So, tell me about this pathetic excuse you have for a life."

Now, maybe that works for some people. It won't work for a networker. Remember that our goal is to find ambassadors and friends (and let them find clients for us). With that in mind, when we meet someone for the first time, probably the best course of action is not to have them associate us with feelings of inadequacy.

Instead, your goal should be to link yourself to their vision of themselves as a success.

To do this, focus conversations toward where things have gone right in their lives, past, present, or future. Try out these questions:

• How did you decide to start selling widgets in the first place?
• In your opinion, what makes a successful widget salesman?
• Where do you think the widget industry is headed in the next five years? How are you planning on taking advantage of that?
• What sort of changes have you seen in the widget industry since you started? How did you adapt?
• Who have been your best customers? Why?
• What sort of fun things do you have planned outside of work?
• When you aren't selling widgets, what do you like to do? Tell me how you got into that.

Asking these types of questions lets the other person talk about his successes over the years, his passions right now and his goals for the future. The neat thing is, while he is reliving all of his great moments, you are standing right there, along for the ride. Even though it doesn't make sense, he will begin to associate you with those positive views of himself.

And who would you rather be friends with, someone who makes you feel proud about yourself? Or that guy who helped you to realize what a miserable existence you've led?

Greg Peters, founder of The Reluctant Networker LLC, writes, speaks and coaches about good networking practice. For more tips that can help your connections count, go to www.thereluctantnetworker.com.

Dear Kerry,
My 15-year-old daughter told me her friends have been getting together at another kid’s house after school. With no parents home, I’m worried about what they might get into, but I don’t want to be a helicopter parent. How do I find balance on this stuff as my daughter gets older?
—DS, Saline

All parents of teens struggle with this issue, but our youth-exalting culture doesn’t give us much help in answering your question. It’s a big topic, so I’ll talk about this in two columns (and probably more subsequently) this month. Since my husband Jack, also a child, adolescent, and adult psychoanalyst, and I have just attended a major international conference on adolescence, we’ve been thinking a lot about these very questions.

Adolescence is a time when young people are pressured from inside and outside to try new things — this makes sense since they are emerging from the protective world of the family to the larger world of opportunities, risks, mastery, excitement and dangers. Teenagers seek out novelty and heightened sources of stimulation, some as benign as roller coasters and scary horror movies, some as dangerous as substance abuse, reckless driving, unsafe sex or delinquency.

Teenagers need the courage to try new things but the wisdom to keep themselves safe. Significant changes in brain structure and functioning mean they may do things with less judgment, caution or rational thinking even than when they were a bit younger. So the action side is legislated for by neurological and biological shifts. But what about safety?

How can we help teenagers be brave but not stupid, push the boundaries but include safeguards, be adventurous, creative and innovative but still retain a connection with past and current reality, plus future consequences?

Anglo-American attitudes have always stressed the need for adolescents to physically separate and reject parents and other adults. This leaves a vacuum that is quickly filled by peers, advertising, and social media, which all can emphasize immediate gratification without reflection or judgment.

Studies show, however, that bad things are more likely to happen when teenagers use only peers for reference when they do risky things. There are more accidents when cars are driven with other kids there; parties with only teenagers present are more likely to include alcohol, drugs and unprotected or forced sex, and so on. American parents and other significant adults are often reluctant to help young people balance their biological push toward action and novelty with the wisdom, judgment and forethought that comes from adult experience.

The remedy is pretty simple — staying involved with your teenager's life will protect her, teach her needed skills and will offer you unexpected benefits in learning and growth for yourself. Behind every successful teenager there is usually a wise adult, a parent, coach, teacher, big brother, or mentor. But this reality is seldom mentioned when the tale of success is told, which perpetuates the American myth of solitary and singular achievement.

When we talk about building "emotional muscle" in parents and children, we describe a lifelong process of transforming the parent-child relationship rather than separating from your child. It is never too late to start developing the parental emotional muscles needed to start and maintain a rich conversation with your teenager.

You and your daughter can work out guidelines together for having safe fun. They should include detailed thinking about how to make judgments; you could guarantee that you will come pick her up, no questions asked at that moment, any time of the night or day if she is uncomfortable in some situation; you can develop the courage to believe you should know where she is. That’s not hovering, it’s supportive and appropriately protective. Teenagers, too, can learn how much they gain by "checking in before you check out."

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, and author, with Jack Novick, of "Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children," available at amazon.com or through http://www.buildemotionalmuscle.com. Check the website regularly for blogs and news of upcoming media appearances and events. Follow EMOTIONAL MUSCLE: STRONG PARENTS, STRONG CHILDREN on Facebook. She welcomes your email with comments and questions for future columns at kerrynovick@gmail.com.

Photo by Flickr user adrielsocrates

Have you ever been stung by how someone spoke to you? And then worried about getting stung again? This seems to me to be a fairly common concern within organizations, friendships and families.

Perhaps you remember assertiveness training. The advice was to respectfully address the person and request to be treated differently. That may work in some situations, but in my work as a psychotherapist and in my personal experience, I found that there was a side effect. The offshoot often resulted in the other person walking on eggshells. That may feel more protective, but also more strained.

I found that meditation can be just as effective in curtailing the offensive behavior and without the negative side effects.

Years ago, an acquaintance in a volunteer organization in which I served always spoke to me in condescending tones. I couldn’t understand the basis for this. We were the same age, and there was no power differential in our relationship. Every time I considered bringing this to her attention, I ended up feeling it would make things worse.

In meditation one day, the following idea came to me: imagine being with her without any tension. So I pictured us together, interacting pleasantly. Then I imagined she said something condescending. I took a deep breath and imagined that the comment didn’t “stick.” It simply floated by without affecting me.

I meditated on that idea. The result was startling. She never spoke to me unpleasantly again! It has been more than 15 years since that happened, and even though I have frequent contact with her, I never worry about how she’ll treat me.

Compassionate meditation takes this idea a step further. Click on the link at the beginning of this paragraph for a Youtube presentation by Geshe Lobsang Negi, director of Emory's Center for Collaborative and Contemplative Studies. Basically, with this technique, one focuses on the appreciation, the qualities that invoke empathy for the other person.

I highly recommend this technique. It is very effective in soothing over difficult interactions.

Thanks to one of my readers for suggesting this topic!

Susan Scott Morales is a meditation teacher, psychotherapist, published poet, novelist, and community contributor to AnnArbor.com and blogger on redroom.com. Tweet her @susanscottmoral, reach her at susanmmorales@yahoo.com or visit her website: susanscottmorales.com or fan page: https://www.facebook.com/susanscottmorales.writer.

Photo by Pawel Loj

Back some years ago, with my old business, I sent out a bi-weekly e-newsletter. When I say "bi-weekly", what I mean is "I tried to send it out every two weeks, but occasionally things didn't go as planned."

Between travel with my family and my client projects getting completely out of control, I might occasionally let an issue or two slip. OK, sometimes it was more like 10 issues.

This underscores a challenge with networking. The best networkers have made networking a consistent and regular practice. Every day they take time out to make their connections. Networking is no longer just something they do; it has become a part of their lives.

In trying to emulate this behavior, though, we discover that, every once in a while, life throws us a curve. Maybe we catch a cold. Maybe we go on vacation. Maybe our networking pays off to such a degree that we temporarily don't have time to network.

I'm here to tell you that this is the most dangerous time for your success as a networker. These gaps break up your consistent behavior and before you know it, you've allowed your networking practice to lapse for weeks, then months, then years.

The challenge is that networking has a certain momentum to it. If you miss a day, or maybe even a week, you won't see any immediate downturn in your results, just like eating one cheeseburger isn't going to destroy your health.

The long-term results of skipping longer and longer periods of time, though, are that you will eventually see your network begin to evaporate.

If you would like to avoid that, then I have one bit of advice.

Never miss your networking.

Even if you just make a single call or send one email. If you just post an update on Facebook or read the updates message from LinkedIn. Do something. Record it in your networking log (you do maintain a log, don't you?).

Never miss a day. Make the practice not just something that you do, but an integral part of who you are.

That's the way to become a truly great networker: One day at a time.

Greg Peters, founder of The Reluctant Networker LLC, writes, speaks and coaches about good networking practice. For more tips that can help your connections count, go to www.thereluctantnetworker.com.

Playland Rye Beach (public domain image: Westchester County Park Commission -- Publisher, Purdy, Earl -- Artist)

Yesterday a client was telling me about her newfound ability to triage a situation before she reacts to it. She shared that she is able to see work, family and friendship dynamics in play.

This means that she can take 'a bird's eye view' of troubling situations, which buys her some time to dope out the situation before she reacts. With this skill, she can figure out a good approximation of what is really going on, plan how she wants to react, and what she wants to say in any given situation.

As I sat there listening, I felt so happy for her. She has worked very hard to acquire this new skill. We talked about how having a 'bird's eye view' of situations is one of the cornerstones to emotional freedom. 

Emotional reactivity, or as my mom used to say, "Acting before you think," takes you down the slippery slope of blame, shame and regret. Unbridled emotional reactivity is about as productive as asking a toddler to clean her room.

So the next time you feel your blood boil or your brain scream negatives or feel yourself want to shrink into a LEGOLAND version of yourself to avoid hostility or responsibility, take a deep breath, go for a walk, do anything to sooth your lizard brain back into its cave. Then take a good look around at the landscape of the dynamics of the situation from an outside perspective or a 'bird's eye view'.

You will be pleased to discover that a lot of what is going on can be attributed to forces outside of you, another person's issues or a situation beyond your control. Take responsibility for your portion only and do what needs to be done to make that right.

Let other people have their process — don't own another's person's issues or try to fix them, and you will be well on your way to emotional freedom.

What do you think of using a bird's eye view in difficult situations?

Chris Wucherer is a life coach, business coach and psychotherapist with 28 years of experience helping people create saner lives. She writes a blog and has a website. You can reach her at 734-669-7202 or by email.

Photo by Flickr user Jaimito Cartero

Here are some of the unedited responses:

“It's refreshing.”

“Relaxing.”

“The silence of listening.”

“Connection.”

“Satisfaction....When I can't get no satisfaction, I go meditate. It’s always close by. The
divine self takes over again.”

“Gives myself a chance to launder the thousands of thoughts I have each day — and just be.”

Simply reading those statements puts me in a somewhat meditative state. The changes in my life have been tremendous since I’ve been meditating. I no longer fret over priorities; my memory is better; I have more strength in dealing with the ups and downs that naturally come my way.

Whether you’re new to meditating or not, I hope you’ll check out my index. You’ll find a long list of techniques, benefits, and guided meditations. Let me know if I’ve left anything out!

Susan Scott Morales is a meditation teacher, psychotherapist, published poet, novelist, and community contributor to AnnArbor.com and blogger on redroom.com. Tweet her @susanscottmoral, reach her at susanmmorales@yahoo.com or visit her website: susanscottmorales.com or fan page: https://www.facebook.com/susanscottmorales.writer.