The worst bathroom in Ann Arbor
Photo by Flickr user doortoriver
Standing right beside me the waitress yells “CUSTOMER!” and, before I can take another step, “CUSTOMER!” again. I’m next to the soda fountains and glassware, standing on the webbed rubber mats found behind saloon bartops — the ones the prevent mixologists from slipping and spraining a wrist making your Gin Fizzy.
“It’s straight out of a bad John Woo movie,” my friend Ryan says. “You walk through stairs that might turn to dust at any moment, open a wood plank barely hanging on and turn on a single light bulb that flutters above the scariest toilet in town. At least that’s how I remember it in my nightmares.”
Don’t forget the huge boiling pot filled to the top with hunks of red meat still on the bone. Welcome to one the worst bathrooms in Ann Arbor. Yes, it’s a tie. Oh, and if you’re squeamish about poop and pee, you might want to skip over to the Pets or Faith sections. I won’t hold it against you.
One of the two worst bathrooms in Ann Arbor can be found in the bowels of China Gate (1201 S. University). To access it, a customer must navigate the tiny kitchen, walk down two sets of rickety stairs, past the storeroom and finally to the toilet. It’s the journey that gets me at China Gate. The server yells a warning (CUSTOMER!) to the three cooks in back, giving them a head’s up that I’m approaching. They all stop what they’re doing and look at me.
It’s awkward. You shuffle through the drink beverage area into the kitchen proper, dodging big bowls of rice, a large tray full of spices and a big metal bowl that appears to be full of lettuce. The stoves are packed with food, including the aforementioned pot of boiling who-the-heck-knows-what.
The oddest sight? A tiny cutting board with what looks like a handful of shrimp and some very red looking meat, just kind of sitting off to the side. Then it’s down the stairs, trying not to bump my head, and into the basement where you’re afraid of stumbling upon an unlicensed poker game.
Here there are two giant freezers, two restrooms and a tunnel-like chamber leading deeper into the storeroom. Someone was standing at the end of this chamber, arms crossed, looking into my soul. I ventured no further.
The bathroom itself isn’t too bad. A pair of 78-pack Clorox wipes, two kinds of hand soap, paper towels and three coat hooks on the back of the door. The toilet flushes fine and the sink works, but the walls, inside the bathroom and out, are weirdly sticky.
The walk back to my booth is just as uncomfortable as the walk down, except the cooks don’t know I’m coming and I nearly collide with one while he’s poking some kind of deep-fried meat in a pot. It’s definitely an experience — and the General Tso’s was good, if a bit too saucy.
Sharing co-worst bathroom honors is the Fleetwood Diner (300 S. Ashley). Most townies know how terrible the Fleetwood bathrooms are and will walk to a nearby coffee shop or tavern for relief rather than brave the terror below. What do you expect underneath a makeshift trailer — a bathroom attendant and free cologne?
Twelve stairs down a boiling hot hallway in the summer and a freezing cold hallway in the winter thanks to a poorly secured “side exit” brings you to a pitch black door you have to slide sideways to fit through. With a black and white tile floor, black walls covered in faded graffiti and whang jokes illuminated by a bare 75-watt bulb, it’s one of the darkest bathrooms in town. You can touch all four corners at once but I wouldn’t recommend it.
To break up the monotony, there’s a busted-out, boarded-up, painted over god-knows-how-many times window on one side. The toilet and sink work, but the loose slide lock cautions against leisurely bathroom breaks. At best, a stiff knock on the door could pop it open. At worst, it seems like it could bring the whole place down on top of you.
Like China Gate, a trip to the bathroom is also a peek into the inner workings of the restaurant. At Fleetwood you get a nice view of the storeroom where pallets of bread and buns are stacked near the bathroom door. You can also see assorted stacked provisions and what are surely too many cans of Sysco brand sliced beets for this kind of establishment.
I’m not a germaphobe, so in judging the worst bathrooms in Ann Arbor, toilet cleanliness is just one column in a bathroom matrix that I’ll take to my grave. You’ll have to trust my unimpeachable secret criteria. Trust me — these two bathrooms are the worst in the city, but feel free to judge for yourself, and if you have additional candidates, leave a comment below.
For the record, I pooped in the Starbucks where I wrote this article, and it was delightful. Now that’s a bathroom!
(Richard Retyi writes the biweeklyish column "Lie to Your Cats About Santa" and isn't too particular about where he makes his business. Read more about his non-scatological life at his blog InBedByEleven.com, follow him on Twitter at @richretyi or email him at richretyi@gmail.com.)
Comments
townie54
Sat, May 21, 2011 : 5:11 a.m.
I dont ever drop the kids off at the pool anywhere but home.Dont understand how people go out to eat or to a car dealership etc,and drop them there .C,mon go before you leave home
PR of AA
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 2 p.m.
I dropped a duece at the Packard Pub and man........what a crappy bathroom that is! (no pun intended)
Jimmy McNulty
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 12:24 p.m.
Ever see the movie "Trainspotting?" That has the funniest scene about the filthiest toilet in all Scotland!
bedrog
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 11:18 a.m.
Now THIS is good citizen journalism. seriously.It has a practical , informative purpose with alot of social relevance ...also seriously...as this sort of thing has a bearing on stuff like e-coli outbreaks, food poinsoning etc. Check out TYPHOID MARY by Anthony Bourdain if you think that something like bathroom handwashing doent have real lif e and death consequences in a mass society, especially when food is involved.
Tom Wilkinson
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 10:38 a.m.
Where's an editor with some judgment!? Is this a 'newspaper' any more?
aes
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 8:59 a.m.
What a funny article---almost makes up for the rest of the extremely dreadful writing in annarbor.com Thanks for the genuine entertainment---as good as some found in The New Yorker. Nota bene: Watch out for the stairs at the Grizzly Peak. Dark, steep, and dangerous.
Steph
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 6:12 a.m.
I so agree that downtown Borders tops the list! Wonderfully entertaining article- thanks!
Charlie3
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 4:37 a.m.
Worst ladies room - behind Wenk's Pharmacy.
treetowncartel
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 2:42 a.m.
Frasers womens bathroom on a football saturday, or, if we are entertaining over the past few years, the top of an Ann Arborcop car
MikeyP
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 2:21 a.m.
Ahh, well, the important criteria is how good the iced tea is. I can live with scary bathrooms. So-so food is not a deal breaker. But bad iced tea? I won't darken that establishment's door again! You've been warned Ann Arbor restaurantours!
KJMClark
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 2:15 a.m.
With due respect, this column is completely wrong. The worst places in Ann Arbor to use the facilities are all the places in town where there are no facilities.
Adam Jaskiewicz
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 12:35 a.m.
Reminds me of the head at Lafayette Coney.
Alan Benard
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 11:13 p.m.
The writer of this article is ignorant of the truly horrific toilet at Krazy Jim's Blimpy Burger. I learned of it when my then four-year-old daughter REALLY had to go. It is miniscule, sweltering, noisy and scary, located next to the boiler and the scream of the vent fans and compressors. But he is correct, Fleetwood Diner has a very interesting and not terribly nice john.
Geek Chick
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 10:03 p.m.
Hilarious and accurate. Agree with Richard's rankings and descriptions of both. Spot on. Well-documented. But even worse during the art fairs.
JuliaAnnArb
Mon, Jun 13, 2011 : 3:48 a.m.
Everything's worse during the art fairs.
SpaceGirl
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 8:58 p.m.
Women's bathroom nominee: The 2 stall that should really only be one stall at the Rathskellar/Heidelberg. The "stalls" are so small! You couldn't realistically sit on the toilet without bashing your kneecaps in on the door. It's a 'hover sideways over the toilet and hope for the best' situation. As far as cleanliness, it's okay. Never great but never revolting. There's at least usually paper towels and soap.
Blerg
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 1:36 a.m.
Agreed! The last time I was at the Rathskellar a frat boy puked in the sink of the men's room and nobody cleaned it up for the rest of happy hour. I should add that the puker was a champ about it and returned to chugging out of his boot mug.
free form
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 8:57 p.m.
Nice... I knew about the adventures that await a user of the Fleetwood restroom, but didn't know about China Gate. I'll just take your word on that one! As for best bathroom in A2, I vote for Von Maur in Briarwood. Always immaculate and the stalls are very private. It's a great place to poop.
Jojo B
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 8:06 p.m.
Totally agree! I remember loving that bathroom even back when it was Jacobsons. I'd say "Hey honey, let's go to the mall cause I have to take a dump!" It is a destination bathroom!
Wolf's Bane
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 11:47 a.m.
Great tip, I think next time I'm at Briarwood I'll head over there to check my email.
Goofus
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 7:38 p.m.
The decline of Borders Inc. stores can be correlated to the decline in the quality of their restrooms. I knew that the Arborland store was dead when they stopped keeping the restroom supplied. Yesterday, I was downtown, and the downtown Borders, once a paragon of cleanliness where you weren't even afraid to change a baby, was despicable.
CynicA2
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 7:02 p.m.
Before I quit going to the Fleetwood altogether, I would occasionally encounter a live mouse in the stairwell leading to the bathroom. They seemed to use that back door as an entry/exit, depending on whether they were trying to escape the cold or escape the Fleetwood. Never been to China Gate, but the Eight Ball's bathroom can be an adventure as the evening wears on.
Top Cat
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:51 p.m.
The one in Ashleys get honorable mention. The entire downstairs is a great venue for a mold contest. The head itself is reminiscent of a bus depot in Newark, NJ.
Moonmaiden
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:38 p.m.
uh, don't people have bathrooms at home???
Jimmy McNulty
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 12:29 p.m.
Nothing beats the home-field advantage. Being a guy, #1s are not a problem anywhere. However on that rare, awkward, unpleasant, and terrifying feeling of an approaching #2, it is good to know where NOT to go!
free form
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 11:17 p.m.
Some of us leave our homes on a daily basis.
loves_fall
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:29 p.m.
How did I know Fleetwood would make this list? Though, maybe they should reassess the Blind Pig around 1:30 am some busy night and see where it stacks up.
Richard Retyi
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:35 p.m.
@love_falls: I agree that the Eight Ball bathrooms are pretty rough - a trough for pee, a terrible toilet - but you're in and out so quick that there's not a lot of lingering. There are a few bathrooms in Ann Arbor that either stink, are pretty messy or both, but none with the unique adventure offered by the Fleetwood and China Gate.
Christy King
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:11 p.m.
Well done, Richard. I knew before I clicked on this link that if there was a worst bathroom contest, The Fleetwood damn well deserves to win it.
Richard Retyi
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:25 p.m.
Thanks Christy!
Hmm
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:11 p.m.
General Tso's is NEVER too saucy
Richard Retyi
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:24 p.m.
@Hmm: Normally I might agree with you, but the sauce was the consistency of motor oil.
Robert
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6 p.m.
Does any one ever proof read, use spell check or edit theses articles? Tavern not taavern.
Richard Retyi
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:23 p.m.
Good catch Robert. Sorry about that.
Tony Dearing
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:09 p.m.
That's been fixed. Thanks.
Wolf's Bane
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6 p.m.
The Fleetwood Diner bathroom is simple and elegant. A sort of ode to a London dungeon. I think the bathroom at the Chop House is way, way worse.
Basic Bob
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 5:52 p.m.
The restrooms at the former BW3 in downtown Ypsilanti were never dirty, but it was certainly an adventure to get there. Through a door, down the steps to the basement, around a blind corner, and down the hall. I think there was a surveillance camera in the hallway. The eery part is someone died down there. <a href="http://blog.mlive.com/annarbornews/2007/09/body_found_in_basement_of_rest.html" rel='nofollow'>http://blog.mlive.com/annarbornews/2007/09/body_found_in_basement_of_rest.html</a>
loves_fall
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:33 p.m.
Ew... is that why they moved? I'd also like to nominate some of the UM campus bathrooms, specifically Angell Hall after a run of weekend partying. Those were just plain vile half the time, and decorated with well meaning signs from cleaning folks. I think my favorite was something about not needing a "standing ovulation" and to please keep bottoms securely on the seat. Nasty.
tom swift jr.
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 5:50 p.m.
Really, we're reduced to stories about dirty bathrooms by an author who, for some unfathomable reason thinks that we care where he "pooped"? Welcome to the new media.
Rod Johnson
Wed, May 18, 2011 : 1:49 a.m.
Somebody's, ahem, grumpy.
Jojo B
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:38 p.m.
Tom: We're not reduced at all. I loved this article. I poop downtown as well. And I am fascinated by such topics and I'm glad I didn't have to lay any cable the last time I was at China Gate.
Richard Retyi
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:10 p.m.
@tom swift jr: Other than "Who's your favorite author?" and "Do you think the rapture will happen in our lifetime?" the third-most asked question from my readers is "Where do you poop?" Just giving the people what they want.
Rex Roof
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 5:38 p.m.
I can't agree about fleetwood. as sketchy as it is, it is always clean and not nearly so treacherous to get to. One place that consistently has the grossest bathroom is Borders downtown. It always smells horrible and feels like it is layered in stink. Pita Kabob Grill downtown has a bathroom that sounds smilar to China Gate. Down some scary stairs and through the prep kitchen. Anyone over 5'11" bound to hit their head down there.
Wolf's Bane
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:01 p.m.
Border's bathroom stinks to high heaven. You can't say that about the Fleetwood Diner bathroom. It may not be pretty, but it is clean and functional.
tom swift jr.
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 5:47 p.m.
wait, there's still a Border's downtown???? I'll be darned....
John B.
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 5:24 p.m.
I try not to venture within 100 meters of either of those two fine establishments, so hopefully that is sufficient to avoid the bacterial cloud that envelopes them....
smokeblwr
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 4:53 p.m.
So the author ground out a grumpy (I learned this term during the discussion of the teenaged football field vandals) on the Starbucks' commode whilst writing this? I'm going to go wash my hands.
smokeblwr
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:57 p.m.
I enjoy it as well. In fact it has entered my regular parlance.
Richard Retyi
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:06 p.m.
@smokeblwr: LOVE the term grumpy! Love the term "ground a grumpy" even more. To clarify, I ground out a grumpy after writing this article, not during. It's nearly impossible to type on a laptop and poop at the same time.
Silly Sally
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 4:49 p.m.
"Most townies know how terrible the Fleetwood bathrooms are and will walk to a nearby coffee shop or taavern for relief rather than brave the terror below." Then they should also take their business there as well. Tell the owner!
81wolverine
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 4:40 p.m.
The author ".... isn't too picky about where he makes his business" sound like a pretty big understatement here. Despite how nasty this place sounds, my memories (more like nightmares) of some highway rest stop bathrooms (a stretch to use that term) down south in the 1960's make China Gate sound like the Ritz-Carlton.
Richard Retyi
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 6:02 p.m.
@81wolverine: My worst bathroom experience was on a train in Hungary. The bathroom was a metal box with a putting green sized hole in the floor and no toilet paper. Good thing I only had to pee.
zip the cat
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 4:38 p.m.
Big Boy in chelsea has the absolute filthiest mens bathroom I have ever had the displeasure of using. A total pig sty
BHanson
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 12:43 p.m.
Ugh, ugh, ugh! But I loved this article, very funny to read!
Richard Retyi
Tue, May 17, 2011 : 5:54 p.m.
Thanks BHanson!