I remember the morning I realized it. My sons were 6, 4 1/2 and 18 months old and had done something that had upset me.

What they did completely escapes me now, but for whatever reason I went beyond my usual aggravation to a crazy place.

Even now I can recall the rush of heat rising to my face. And then the roar. It was the furious, excruciating explosion of a person going insane. The tirade went on for at least several minutes as I exhausted my frustration and despair at this latest infraction. On and on I went like a hurricane, slowing down only to gather new force.

Finally, my emotional storm began to subside, and as the clouds parted I looked around and realized that my kids were nowhere in sight.

I found them upstairs in their bedroom, clearly shaken and startled as I opened the door. And that's when it hit me. My children were terrified of me. Not the "Uh-oh, this is a time-out, no dessert, go-to-your-room" kind of fear, but a "mommy is a scary person" kind of fear.

Now in fairness to me, while I had a quick temper and could get irritated easily, there were also plenty of times when I had better sense and more patience. For the most part, at least part of each day was spent in a happy place. We went to parks, colored pictures, baked cakes. I've read them hundreds of books, baked dozens of cookies, and planned many a themed birthday party. Arrgh, matey.

But like many moms, caregivers, and even teachers who spend hours and hours alone with little beings in need, the tasks of engaging their minds, reigning them in, and teaching them all manner of manners and life skills (like not to dump the entire contents of the Cheerios box on the rug) can get overwhelming and tedious at the same time. It's a lonely and stressful madness that can overcome an otherwise rational mind.

Yes, in all fairness I was a good mom, but this wasn't about fairness. This was about feeling safe. And while my explosiveness was never of the physical kind, my emotional reactivity was leaving its own, potentially more damaging marks.

That was one of the low points in my parenting. And I wish I could say that seeing their flinching reactions to my opening the door was all it took to wake me up. But it wasn't. In fact, I had already been trying to commit myself to being a better mom for several years without success.

Fortunately motherhood (and fatherhood for that matter) is much more than one moment. It's about showing up every day. But who you are when you do arrive is pretty critical too!

Lucky for me, I finally realized that the answers weren't IN me. They were out there. Turns out that just because I loved my kids didn't mean I knew how to handle the stress of parenting. Or even understood what caused it.

I began reading books. I took a journey back to my own childhood to find more empathy for what it's like to be a kid. I did some work on the baggage I brought with me out of that childhood. And, probably the biggest leap was that I took several parenting classes to help me learn what to replace my reactivity with. (They're called skills - who knew?)

In fact, the journey I took led me to grad school and to my current career of supporting people (especially parents) in creating the relationships they imagine in their minds and long for in their hearts.

My sons are teenagers now. And I'd like to say that I get it right all the time and that my kids adore me. I'd like to say that, but I can't. And while, especially as a parenting consultant, I'd rather not admit that I still get irritable more than I would like and am too hard on my kids, I try to let that go. I know that my challenges are only kept at bay when I DON'T forget that I am not above them.

Would my kids vote me as World's Greatest Mom? Nah. My guess is that for now I'd get a 'B' or even a 'B+'! And I'm OK with that. Because just like helping my kids know that it is safe to make mistakes and be imperfect, I try really hard to lighten up on myself a bit too. This helps.

Annie Zirkel, LPC is a Relationship & Parenting Consultant based in Ann Arbor, Mi and author of You'll Thank Me Later - A Guide to Raising Grateful Children (& Why That Matters). You can contact her at annie@practicehow.com Creative Commons License Photo credit odolphie