Dear Kerry,
Yesterday my 4-year-old asked me when we were going to have another baby. I said something vague, and she said, “Will you get it at the store?” My 6-year-old immediately said, “That’s not how babies come. They come from special hugging.” The little one was very interested and asked if she could see this hugging. My son said, “No, they do that when we’re asleep.” “Well” said my daughter, “then I want to go in the morning to see how big Mommy’s tummy is.” Whew! Now what do I do? I realized that I didn’t have any idea of how much my son knew and was unexpectedly finding the whole thing kind of embarrassing. I’m uncertain how old they should be for different explanations. Help!
-DP, Ann Arbor

Dear DP,
It seems like kids often catch us unaware when they raise these topics! It’s helpful that you realize you felt embarrassed, since that will set you on the road to practicing feeling comfortable enough to tackle any subject. We all want kids to be to be able to talk with us about anything and everything, since then they will have accurate information. Getting in the habit of comfort in such conversations will be so important when they are teenagers!

With two kids, there are probably many contexts where they operate at different levels. For instance, you probably already have a good idea of which books they can both hear, while reserving some only for your son, since he is ready for different content and complexity. But your daughter, like most second children, is likely to do more sooner than you let her older brother do at her age. That’s partly because she’s there anyway, and partly because you know more about what children can manage.

Children at this age are especially interested in differences — between the generations, as well as between boys and girls, men and women. They know all these things are related and they are usually very curious to figure out how. It is important to offer real explanations for them to work with, even though they may also cling to the theories they have developed to explain the many mysteries of the world. Many young children hold two contradictory ideas in mind for a long time, since each theory may meet different needs.

Your son modeled a good response when he answered only the question your 4-year-old asked. Just as it’s crucial to give children good information, it’s also important not to overload them. Hearing more than they can understand or manage can be overwhelming and turn the whole topic into something negative.

You could build on that first conversation just a bit more by confirming with your son that what parents do together is special and loving, and how nice it is to grow up and be able to do those things with someone you love. You might also mention again that these are private activities, as he seems to realize, but that you understand that children are curious about them. Praise his curiosity, which helps him learn important things, and tell him that he can always come to you with questions about anything and everything. If you don’t know the answer, you will figure out together how to discover it.

In a separate conversation with your daughter, praising her curiosity will also support her growth and learning in general. You might remark on how learning takes a long time, so there are lots of steps to understanding complex things like where babies come from and how they are made. You can reassure her that, as she gets older and thinks of more questions, she can ask and you will explain “just what someone 4 (or 5, or 6) needs to know.”

In the meantime, enjoy your children’s enquiring minds and do a little homework with yourself about the sources of your own embarrassment. Parents often have work to do alongside their children’s growing up — we’re lucky that they push us to use a second chance to figure things out!

Kerry Kelly Novick is a local child, adolescent and adult psychoanalyst, and author, with Jack Novick, of “Emotional Muscle: Strong Parents, Strong Children,” available at amazon.com and through http://www.buildemotionalmuscle.com. She welcomes your email with comments and questions for future columns at kerrynovick@gmail.com.