Stand by or speak up when you see a child being mistreated?
Dear Kerry,
I read your column in the newspaper and hope you can give me some advice. All too often I see an angry parent spanking, striking and/or berating a small child in the mall, grocery store, etc. This type of thing really sickens me. Is there any reasonable way for an outsider to do anything without causing more of a problem for the parent or child?
DK, Ann Arbor
Dear DK,
This is such an important question. It speaks to our responsibility as a society to care for all our children and to help parents do the best job they can. Everyone probably agrees on those ideals, but the challenge comes in real, daily life when we are faced with the types of situations you describe.
Anyone who sees or knows of serious maltreatment of a child has a legal (and moral) responsibility to report it to Child Protective Services or the police. If you see someone striking a child hard enough to leave a mark, abusing a child verbally, or neglecting basic physical or emotional needs - these are all good reasons for making the phone call. Reports can be kept anonymous.
But seeing a mother yanking her child’s arm, dragging him behind her in the supermarket parking lot while she yells at him, may not be as clear cut. You have no way of knowing whether it happens all the time or is a single bad moment for them both. Either way, though, it matters. So what can you do? What can guide your choice to act, be a passive bystander, or look away?
There is a vast historical and research literature that addresses the interaction among perpetrators, victims and bystanders. Many of the studies focus on the impact of bullying on both the bully and the target. But all modern work agrees that these situations don’t happen unless the rest of the people around do nothing. Your question challenges all of us to find a better solution, to move out of the passive position and try to change a bad situation.
Someone will be embarrassed no matter how you respond. An angry parent is vulnerable to humiliation and therefore may react with rejection or worse at that very moment. That might be embarrassing for you. Even if that happens, though, there are two good results in that scenario. One is that the parent will have to reflect at some point on what happened. Secondly, and most important, the child will know he is not alone, that there are grownups who have different ideas and aren’t afraid to speak up.
If the child has been misbehaving, the intervention of another grownup makes clear that such behavior doesn’t go unnoticed. That child may try harder to behave the next time. The parent may feel supported by the idea that someone else cares enough to intervene.
Given that scenes of “spanking, striking or berating” don’t happen unless both parent and child are at the end of their ropes, it seems that what they may both need most at such times is a helping hand. That’s the way I suggest you could approach it. You could walk a bit nearer and ask, “Is there anything I could do to help?” Your caring may cut through the anger and defuse the parent’s fear of being judged negatively. Even if the parent refuses or rejects your concern, the kind words have been spoken, the positive, active gesture has been made, and those will register.
Our state offers a license plate that says “Children - just love ‘em.” I don’t think just loving is enough. Children need active care from all the adults in the community, and their parents need practical support in a network of relationships with other adults. Being brave enough to speak up to someone in the supermarket parking lot puts you into that community of caring adults who want to do something real for children and their parents.
I hope that readers join the conversation to pool understanding and ideas as we work together to address the needs of all children and parents.
Kerry Kelly Novick is a local psychoanalyst, affiliated with the Michigan Psychoanalytic Institute and the Michigan Psychoanalytic Council, and a family consultant at Allen Creek Preschool. You can reach her through AllenCreek.org, or you can e-mail her your comments and questions for future columns. The ideas and opinions in this column are Kerry Kelly Novick’s and do not necessarily represent the views of Allen Creek Preschool, MPI or MPC.
Take the poll: Should people intervene when children are being mistreated?
Comments
chester
Sun, Sep 19, 2010 : 6:59 p.m.
First of all I always left my child with a family member exept to get clothes. Children tend to get very exited when in malls and places with alot of people. I never seemed to understand why. But small children need alot of quiet time (no noise). In their growing years,parents need some time alone to shop,maybe have lunch or whatever. In my opinion after some research,leave the kids at home. One of the best places to take your children is a park, by the water (beach) and outdoor places.
swcornell
Thu, Mar 11, 2010 : 1:29 a.m.
When my boys were toddlers, (they're now grown to adults), my boss told me to think of spanking as a very physical thing, a sort of capital punishment. Since the punishment should fit the crime, one should only spank for something the child does that puts his life at risk. Like playing in the road or jumping off the roof of the house or walking off in public with strangers (you get the picture). Spilling his milk at lunch, no matter the reason, will never put the child's life at risk. Hence, not a spank-able offense. So a hissy fit in public, no matter how loud, is not a spank-able offense. I found this really worked well and usually made me stop to analyze the situation, giving me time to get myself under control. In the end I spanked my youngest once for an incident on a second story balcony and never spanked my oldest.
Kerry Novick
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 11:43 p.m.
Dear Readers, I am writing to clarify some confusions arising from my column of this past Tuesday and to thank those of you who contributed thoughtful, creative and caring ideas. My columns are not written to prescribe behavior or solutions. My goal is to stimulate thoughtful consideration of parenting challenges, and raise awareness of the implications of parenting decisions. Several correspondents have accurately noted that only professionals have a statutory obligation to report abuse or neglect. Other citizens have the same responsibility to report illegal treatment of children as any other actions against the law. Moral responsibility is up to each person, which is what all our commenters have been considering. Please continue your involvement with matters concerning the importance of family life to our society's future. Thank you, Kerry Kelly Novick
PD Everitt
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 7:03 p.m.
People used to think it was necessary to "spank" adult members of the community, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered sexual battery if a person over the age of 18 is "spanked", but only if over the age of 18. For one thing, because the buttocks are so close to the genitals and so multiply linked to sexual nerve centers, striking them can trigger powerful and involuntary sexual stimulus in some people. There are numerous physiological ways in which it can be sexually abusive, but I won't list them all here. One can use the resources I've posted if they want to learn more. Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE: Child buttock-battering (euphemistically labeled "spanking","swatting","switching","smacking", "paddling",or other cute-sounding names) for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit. Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit. I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do. There are several reasons why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals: Plain Talk About Spanking by Jordan Riak, The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children by Tom Johnson, NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D. Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research with the recommended reads-visit the website of Parents and Teachers Against Violence In Education at www.nospank.net. Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea: American Academy of Pediatrics, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, American Psychological Association, Center For Effective Discipline, Churches' Network For Non-Violence, Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps, Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children, United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. In 26 countries, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
treetowncartel
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 3:31 p.m.
I do hope AnnArbor.com makes a comment in the print edition that the position of the author that everyone has a legal duty to report suspected abuse is incorrect. Section 3 of the child protection act delineates who those individuals are. http://www.legislature.mi.gov/(S(k2bg0wab4zrlcl45w0vxo0rk))/mileg.aspx?page=getObject&objectname=mcl-722-623
Constance
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 3:31 p.m.
Hmmm...not sure how advocating for children gets identified as a "socialist agenda." Sounds like there are some other personal issues that need to get resolved! I don't call it "hippie." I call it manners, and manners go both ways (parent and child). I think this is a great article and an interesting topic worth discussing. We've all been in situations where we've witnessed something of concern, or our child is the one having the meltdown, or we are getting "the look" from someone. So how do we walk the line between being courteous, minding our own business and preventing something when we had the chance? It's that simple: be courteous, offer help, try not to put anyone on the defensive (for the protection of the child), but be willing to say, hey this isn't right (and yes, call 911 if it's really bad). The bottom line is to make sure children are safe. There are many situations in the world today and every day where a child is just not safe. One time I was in the Meijer parking lot and saw a mom (first heard her) screaming at her son. He was crying really hard. She was complaining about having worked hard all day and how he wasn't listening. I felt for her, as a working mom. It's hard sometimes. You're tapped and when you run out of resources it's a challenge. But it's hard for that little kid too. He's tired. It's 10 at night. He wanted to connect with his parent. His blood sugar might be low. Something was wrong, and everyone in the parking lot was disturbed by it. I didn't just want to walk away. I ended up just saying, "hey is everything okay?" I tried to be sympathetic with the mom to calm her down. I didn't want her to walk away more enraged and to take it out on the child. I told her I was a working mom too and that it can be hard. I ended up saying "Try to help out your mom. I know you both care about each other." I actually think it helped. My friend who is a social worker said this was the right thing to do. I ALMOST said, "hey don't talk that way to your kid." But that would not have helped; it would have been intrusive. We all need help, and the best way to diffuse anger is to offer sympathy. Allow someone to 'check themselves before they wreck themselves.'
shedev
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : noon
I don't think it's appropriate to do anything unless it's a physical abuse or neglect situation, in which case the proper authorities should be contacted. It's not that I don't feel more community-based parenting is a great idea and would ultimately be better for the child, but our society simply isn't set up for that and I feel that most children would end up receiving additional abuse as a result of someone else intervening and embarrassing or angering the child's parent.
Aims
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 11:41 a.m.
Unless the child is being abused and/or beaten in full sight of you, by intervening with either the parent or the child, you are undermining the parents authority. Personally, when my daughter acts up in public, we leave. I have left full shopping carts of food, clothing, household items, toys, or whatever in the middle of many stores (and I apologize to those employees profusely) because my daughter felt that she needed to have a full on meltdown in the middle of Target. You dont know what that parents methods are and you certainly dont know what that childs typical behavior is. Anyone who looked at me while I was trying to parent my child and asked, Rough Day? would get a No life? response on a good day, and more than likely a four letter one on a bad day. The ONLY person who is allowed to intervene on my parenting, is my daughters other parent. And quite frankly, this rule applies to relatives (especially well meaning grandparents) as well as random strangers.
nblock
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 11:32 a.m.
Dear Dr. Kerry Thank you for bringing attention to this issue. Almost everyone has at one time or another been in a position of deciding whether to intervene in a situation where a adult is hurting a child in a public place. We have a number of suggestions on how to intervene appropriately and effectively in our parenting materials on www.stophitting.com
treetowncartel
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 11:24 a.m.
I just have to point out that the information in this article about their being a legal duty for any one to report suspected child abuse is completely inaccurate. the state law applies only to certain individuals, mostly licensed professionals and government workers, and is much more in depth about the reporting requirements than put forth in this article. While I am not an advocate of spanking, it should also be pointed out that certain cultural norms allow for disciplining a child in this fashion. So, I might even question the moral proposition too. Regardless of how you deal with the situation the most important thing to do is immediately reflect with the child about their behavior and how there consequences too, even if they are screaming I hate you. More importantly, use positive enforcement when your child does good, and they will most likely strive for praise in the future. To often, parents fail to reinforce good behavior.
Robert E. Fathman
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 9:55 a.m.
When a child is being slapped, spanked, hit in any manner, we should always intervene. My approach is to walk up to the parents and in a kind manner, trying not to sound reproachful, say, "Oh, please don't hit him. There are better ways you can handle this problem." It has always worked for me to stop the physical punishment, with the parent taken aback at least. And it tells the child that this sort of discipline is not a societal norm, accepted by all.
scooter dog
Wed, Mar 10, 2010 : 9:23 a.m.
Hellooo,not very smart sticking your big nose in someones business.If their having a really,really bad time with their kids and things are escalating out of their control,you might want to think twice before interjecting your comments.Lotsa people men/women are armed these days and getting into someones face at a unopertune time could prove to be,well you get the picture.If its getting physical call 911 or BUTT OUT
Annie Zirkel
Tue, Mar 9, 2010 : 8:30 p.m.
Thanks for your insights Kerry. This is a good discussion about a tricky situation. This previous article - when the stress is on the edge but not over the top - may add some good ideas as well: http://www.annarbor.com/entertainment/parenting/ask-annie-diffusing-a-parentchild-meltdown/
CountyKate
Tue, Mar 9, 2010 : 12:17 p.m.
I tend to try to catch the parent's eye and ask, "Rough day?" I'm actually surprised how many times a sympathetic smile and that question gets a parent to calm down. Often, once the parent calms down the child does, too. But, I've sometimes addressed the child directly. That depends on the situation, of course, but a serious look and a "You should listen to your mother," has gotten me a very grateful look from the mom and stopped the child in his tantrum-throwing tracks. It really does depend on the situation, though. It's not like one answer fits all.
tdw
Tue, Mar 9, 2010 : 11:56 a.m.
I agree with ricebrnr If someone is hurting or beating a child do something otherwise butt out
Ricebrnr
Tue, Mar 9, 2010 : 11:38 a.m.
"My advice is: If you see serious physical abuse, hitting, etc., call the police, and stay out of it. " Bravo! I think there are way too many hippie neer do wells poised with their tsk tsk and fingers poised to dial 911 around for my taste. If the child is being seriously abused sure yes intervene. Otherwise unless you are trained to see signs of abuse like those in authority (police, teachers, social workers) or see this on a continuous basis rather than 1 passing incident, then while you may disagree with someone else's parenting style, mind you own damn business.
Kelly
Tue, Mar 9, 2010 : 11:30 a.m.
We really don't know about a situation in a few moments, no matter how heated, to fully appraise the situation. 99% of the time, the public rages we witness are merely frustrated families on their worst days. If you truly believe that what you're witnessing is the rare 1% of activities that truly warrant professional intervention, remember: you can always talk with the employees of the establishment to see if this family regularly melts down there and gently encourage them to call authorities to report repeated instances of unruly behavior. Generally, neighbors, extended family members, teachers, and acquaintances know when something is "wrong" in a family and don't report it - those are the ones who should be calling the authorities. Be careful of jumping to conclusions from a 2-second encounter.
Chrissy
Tue, Mar 9, 2010 : 11:05 a.m.
To be honest, I find myself wanting to step in more when a child(ren) are misbehaving and the parent is doing nothing. I was at the Apple store the other day where a kid was running back and forth playing with a cane that belonged to the adult he was with. He could've hurt himself or others and right when I was about to say something luckily the adult finally spoke up. Parenting is tough and discipline is tougher but if you're not cut out for the job, please, don't be a parent/caretaker of children.
MjC
Tue, Mar 9, 2010 : 9:45 a.m.
I have no problem helping out a parent with a child who seems to be in clear distress - especially if it's inappropriate parenting. Berating a child, screaming at a child, violently spanking or slapping a child. I just walk over and kindly say "Hello, looks like you have your hands full today" and that's all that it takes. I know that parents get frustrated and kids get unruly. Sometimes it helps calm the situation just because they realize that someone, anyone, actually cares. I once carried my daughter out of the mall with her kicking and screaming "help me help me" and would not have minded at all if someone had stopped me just to make sure she wasnt' being kidnapped! Trust your instincts and don't be afraid to speak up in a calm and kind manner when something is clearly not right - and, yes, if you have to because the situation is serious enough, call 911.
deres
Tue, Mar 9, 2010 : 9:13 a.m.
I once carried my young son, kicking and screaming, under my arm out of Barry Bagels because he was acting up, I received a horrified look from one woman, who started to move towards me as if she was going to stop me. She didn't, but I could tell she thought what was I was doing was inappropriate. Had that woman tried to intervene, I would have told her to mind her own business, this is my child and I am not hurting him, rather, teaching him a lesson about behaving. I don't know any parents who want to be told they're doing something wrong with their child. And yes, asking if there is anything you can do to help is an implicit criticism - you might as well come right out and tell them you think they're abusing their child because the message is the same. If the parent is crying or seems to be unable to get themselves together, asking to help may be more appropriate, but that's not the scenario described. My advice is: If you see serious physical abuse, hitting, etc., call the police, and stay out of it.