Got milk? One mom's honest thoughts on breastfeeding
I'm now on my second little nursling baby, my second go around with the adventure that is breastfeeding, pumping, and all things milky white. This time I'm a little bit older and a teeny bit wiser, and I'm not afraid to make a true confession: I don't love it.
It sure feels good to get that off my chest, because trust me when say I am currently carrying more than enough in that region. Enough to require a custom-made bra, because apparently 30DD is too big of a secret for even Victoria (or anyone outside of the greater LA area) to keep in stock.
Of course, I love the benefits of nursing. I want my kids to have every advantage in life, from the physical to the emotional and intellectual. Losing basically all the baby weight in 3 months time isn't too shabby, either. And let's face it, breastfeeding sure is cheap, and in today's economy, that's a major plus. For all those reasons and more, I nursed my son right up until his first birthday. (Can I get a round of applause from the American Academy of Pediatrics?)
While home on maternity leave this was not a major challenge. Nourishing that sweet child was really my only responsibility, and I did find it somewhat relaxing to sit, tune out the world, and gaze at my sweet baby boy. Or watch all the episodes of Top Chef and Oprah that had accumulated on my DVR.
Once back at work, the nursing life was not nearly so idyllic. Contrary to what the manufacturers of the breast pump had led me to believe, making milk and making a living do not seamlessly mesh. I dragged that unattractive accessory to press conferences, crime scenes, courthouses and the Capitol. I even tried this ridiculous hands-free pumping get-up. But the more difficult pumping became, the more determined I became to do it. It was the only way I knew how to atone for what often felt like a sin: being a working mom. It was my way of saying yes, dear child I've been away from you all day, but look what I've brought you: an unpasteurized piece of my heart! 32 ounces of freshly squeezed Guilt Juice.
Family pressures didn't make matters any easier. My parents, being both Old World immigrants and medical professionals would no sooner give an infant food out of a can than they would rat poison. "Nurse, nurse, nurse!" they seemed to scream. Then there's my mother-in-law, a product of the formula era. "We'll just come back when he's taking bottles," she announced shortly after my son was born and I took him upstairs for a feeding.
Let's not forget the "joy" of nursing in public. Don't get me wrong, I am all for a woman's right to feed her baby whenever and wherever necessary. And to those women who will effortlessly whip open their shirts in the middle of the mall, a family function or a miniature golf course, I say hats (or perhaps blouses) off. I salute you, but I will never be you. I'll be the first to admit - I'm shy. If I'm going to be feeding someone off any body part, be it my breast, my belly button or my big toe, I'd like to do it in private, but that's just me.
Nursing Baby #2 comes with its own set of challenges, namely what to do with a very active Child #1 while a very hungry Baby #2 demands to be fed, and fed, and fed. We tried reading stories until my voice was hoarse, we played with toy trains until the Boppy pillow and the baby's head became an extension of the railroad tracks. Now we've come to settle on watching recorded episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine so Mom can have an approximation of a peaceful moment. I now understand the origin of the phrase "boob tube."
I see women who look so content nursing their babies and it makes me wonder, am I doing something wrong, or are they still in some sort of a postpartum hormonal fog? Because for me, it's more than a little uncomfortable (and no, it's not a latch issue) and more than a little draining. I don't feel like some tranquil Madonna with a child suckling gently at my breast. It may be natural, but it certainly isn't easy. I don't want to stop yet, I don't plan to stop yet, but I do need to stop thinking I'm a horrible mother if at some point I do. In the big picture, my kids will have my milk for a short time, but they'll have my heart forever and I know that's more than enough.
Mona Shand is a TV and radio news reporter and the author of the blog And Baby Makes Pee.
Comments
samshoe
Mon, Oct 12, 2009 : 9:28 a.m.
I hated the breast pump and I resented having to go back to work after 6 weeks of maternity leave (my company is too small to be required to give FMLA leave). I resented the fact that I felt embarrassed that I was pumping behind the locked door of a spare office or in the office restroom. For so much talk of family values, I found out with my first child that this country has little to no interest in true family values.
An
Fri, Oct 9, 2009 : 7:43 a.m.
Maple, this is going to sound weird, but when I see your name I think of fenugreek. I enjoyed my relationship with my nursling, I did not enjoy my relationship with my pump.
Mona Shand
Wed, Oct 7, 2009 : 7:38 p.m.
Maple, you make some excellent points and I couldn't agree more about the process vs. product, as well as your explanation of why we feel like we're missing something. I lived in Europe for a few years and found (as many others have) that they manage to fit a lot more "living" into their lives than we do in the US, but I think that is changing as well as global craziness takes root everywhere. As for my Old World parents, I don't think the big marketing blitz of the formula companies had hit Egypt in the 1960s when they left. So you're right, I'm fortunate to have their support in that respect. But despite that and their medical training they continue to hound me about the fact that I'm a vegetarian- they are convinced anyone who doesn't eat meat could not possibly produce healthy, viable milk! You'd think my two chunky, healthy babies would serve as proof to the contrary....!
Maple
Wed, Oct 7, 2009 : 6:26 p.m.
I think it is sad that breastfeeding has become more about the milk than the relationship, more about the product than the process, more about struggle and ambivalence than about enjoyment and love and being human. It is a commentary on the way our lives have become, not on breastfeeding itself or your abilities as a mother. I imagine a world where your company's daycare is on-site and nursing breaks are for actual human contact, not for impersonal visitations with a pump. I think it is sad that, in many ways, unless you have some kind of idealistic employment situation, you have to sacrifice basic human values and life necessities in order to work. I'm not talking about breastfeeding, daycare, etc., (I'm not talking about the Mommy Wars here) but I'm talking about basic fundamental things like the fact that human beings should eat fresh vegetables, should not spend 2 hours a day in a car commuting, should have ample time to enjoy the presence of their loved ones without it also being dinner prep/homework/laundry/bill paying/television time. This is the reason why we feel like we're missing something, or not doing enough. We're simply not living like real human beings anymore and it feels wrong because it is wrong. On a different point--I am surprised your Old World immigrant parents were supportive of nursing. Do count your blessings on this point as I have a lot of experience with this. Most Old World immigrants I have experience with are thoroughly indoctrinated with the "formula is best" and "you must not have enough milk, that's impossible!" mentality. I have had to de-program more than my share of people who were convinced by their Old World relatives that their milk was "too thin", "not enough", or that their bodies are otherwise fatally defective. More often than not those moms have felt themselves to be bad mothers, so if you have a family who is actually supportive of breastfeeding, you have a great advantage.
Mona Shand
Wed, Oct 7, 2009 : 5:47 p.m.
Thanks for the tip! I've been using the Medela and Lansinoh freezer bags and freeze them in exactly that same method with the cookie sheet! My husband sometimes jokes we need a whole separate "milk freezer!"
An
Wed, Oct 7, 2009 : 3:05 p.m.
Mona, I found a good way to store expressed milk using snack sized ziplock bags (about 4 oz in each bag) and laying them flat on a cookie sheet while freezing...then putting them all into a square rubbermaid container. Milk can be warmed up by running the flat snack bag under warm water and then a corner can be cut off with scissors to fill the bottle...
Mona Shand
Wed, Oct 7, 2009 : 2:42 p.m.
Liquid gold, indeed!!! I have a small version of Fort Knox in my freezer right now. I agree with you on the MOOOO thing. I feel like I'm running a dairy farm somedays. And I also agree as much as I don't always love it, I know this is a gift I'm giving my kids. :-)
An
Wed, Oct 7, 2009 : 2:22 p.m.
Expressed breast milk = "liquid gold" I had a lot of these feelings when I was nursing my three kids...when I nursed at home, I felt content...most of the time. I hated pumping. Can you say "mooooooo"? Now my kids are well past the age of being breast fed and all are happy and content (well, maybe not the 13 yr old daughter, she is not always nor content...) I feel I did the best thing for my children and, in the end, it was worth it for me to feel the occasional twinge of "Ugh, I don't like this" (or even maybe more than occasional).