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Posted on Sat, Aug 31, 2013 : 5 a.m.

"He said (roughly), is it so much to ask that he gets a couple of hours of unwind time after work?...

By Carolyn Hax

... After all (again, roughly), he didn't get to go to the mall and nap during the day like his wife did ... home with the baby. I've often wondered what happened."

Are there letter-writers you wonder about to this day? While I'm away, readers nominate some who stayed in mind.

http://wapo.st/13Mtv83
September 1, 2006
Adapted from a live discussion.

Carolyn:

Maybe you can help me out with my problem. I recently became a father/husband and am having problems adapting to my new lifestyle. I'm 27 and my wife is 24. Ever since we've been married we constantly argue over my "bad" habits of going to see my friends after I get out of work.

My wife stays at home and cares for our daughter while I work all day. For me, an hour or two of hanging out is refreshing and what I need after a long day before I can go home and begin my responsibilities of being a father.

My wife doesn't seem to agree. She feels jealous because my friends are the first people I want to see when I get off work. I feel like I work a 12-hour day when I come straight home, because I have to cook (she can't cook) and give her a break from caring for our baby. I understand she's also working by caring for our child but gimme a break! I can't go out to the mall or go shopping when I work or take two naps during my workday!

Is there anything I can do to make her understand I need me-time besides arguing and making us resent each other?

-- Breaking the Girl

Oh my goodness. After nine or so hours away from your family at work, you then spend another hour or two away from your family? Because it's "refreshing"?

I am going to resist screaming and tearing my hair out because you're here, I have your attention, and you're asking, and I don't want to scare you away. But, dude.

You're not single anymore, and you're not childless anymore, and so you are no longer at the top of your list of people whose needs you must tend to. This is a fundamental truth that you need to accept, right now.

At the top of the list is your little girl. She needs a daddy on weekdays as badly as she needs one on weekends. When you are out of the house for 10, 11, 12 hours, she does not have a daddy on weekdays.

Next on the list is your wife's name, right next to yours. She needs your companionship, your attention, your support. She doesn't need a husband who needs a couple of belts with his buddies just to face coming home to her. And she doesn't need to have her life dismissed as easier than yours, when she is "on" 24 hours a day with the baby, and likely isolated as hell.

Yes, you need your time, too. Once a week with your friends. And she needs a night off, too, once a week with her friends.

And if any of this isn't penetrating -- actually, even if it is -- please arrange, this weekend, to watch your daughter, solo, for at least 10 hours straight. Then write back to me and report what it was like.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

(c) 2013, Washington Post Writers Group

Comments

Ann23

Sun, Sep 1, 2013 : 6:49 a.m.

And, basically abandoning them while you focus on your career and your needs is not harder. Insisting that you should be able to stay out every day until about 7pm with your friends while your spouse is desperate for a break (even those who work at McDonalds are entitled to responsibility free breaks after a certain amount of time) is selfish. If, as you said, the benefit of staying home with the child is that, "you get to hang out with your kid all day," wouldn't the other parent be eager to come home and hang out with their kid instead of staying out with their friends in order to avoid their "responsibilities of being a father." It seems like either you had a very unusually easy baby, you didn't become a stay-at-home-father until your child was older, or your child's mother has done a lot more than you give her credit for.

Ann23

Sun, Sep 1, 2013 : 6:46 a.m.

Completely disagree Billy. I've been the working Mom, stay-at-home Mom and the full-time (no shared custody) working single Mom. I love my kids dearly but, caring for them without a break or much help is very stressful. More than working a full-time job. Going to my job actually feels like a break. When they are infants and you never know if you will actually be able to achieve more than a couple of hours sleep at night before you have to be 'on' for the day and you are desperate for adult companionship is the hardest. Adequately caring for an infant means your life revolves around their needs. You are usually exhausted, wearing spit-up covered clothes and, nap time is sacred if you want the rest of the day to go well and, if you nurse forget about grocery shopping without a crying and hungry infant. Some want to nurse every hour or two and take at least another half hour or so to do it. it depends on the baby and can be the same with those who are formula fed. Going to the mall at least gets you out and gives you superficial adult interaction and, napping, if you're lucky, is usually too short to make-up for the lost sleep at night. If you manage a shower, you're doing good. Working an 8 to 5 job while others care for your kids and not taking responsibility for their care even after that means, you have a good chunk of your day that involves interacting and building relationships with other adults (not being knee deep in feces, people who have to rely on crying to communicate their needs, and spit-up (vomiting on those very unlucky and scary sick days)). Your time can be more about your goals, relationships, and you. You can go to the bathroom when you need to without having to take a child in with you. You can sit down and eat a meal or have drinks and conversations with friends and others without being interrupted by a child that needs your immediate attention.

Billy

Sat, Aug 31, 2013 : 12:23 p.m.

As a stay at home father......what he says is spot on and he has every right to go hang out with his friends after work if he wants to. You are VERY wrong here Carolyn...as usual. Sorry lady....gonna reveal the secret.....being a homemaker is STUPID easy compared to working a 9 to 5. Raising a child as a homemaker is easy compared to raising a child while working too. Also...YOU GET TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR KID ALL DAY....the 9 to 5er doesn't. Getting REAL tired of "women" trying to claim they do an equivalent job by staying home, changing diapers and watching TV all day. No...you don't do an equivalent job...and I say this AS THE ONE WHO STAYS HOME. It's downright disingenuous to portray child rearing as more difficult than it really is. Also....she doesn't even cook....something anyone can learn to do in a matter of minutes if they TRIED... He is definitely doing the harder job BY FAR here...so he is allowed to have liberties.

Michigan Reader

Sat, Aug 31, 2013 : 8:16 p.m.

I disagree Billy--his wife probably has to clean the home, do the dishes (he cooks) and do many other tasks that are involved in running a home. Not just changing diapers. Like doing laundry, bill paying, etc. Carolyn understands he need to refresh too; I would have suggested the three of them find something they can all do outside the home as a family to refresh. Some kind of compromise. Otherwise he won't be much good to her and the baby. I'll bet they're divorced by now.